I did my glucose test and I don't seem to have gestational diabetes. So that's not the reason for all the extra liquid I have.
I am in hospital everyday for check ups..... everything seems ok.
On the 2nd .... if nothing happens before..... I should go into hospital.
I tired..... worried... and I would love to have baby in my arms safe and sound.
I really do hope the next update will be a birth announcement.
God help baby and me.
Thank you for being part of my pregnancy....I hope this blog has helped other babyloss mums in there pregnancy.
Happy New Year you all
Wednesday 31 December 2014
Saturday 27 December 2014
38 + 39 weeks....
Well as I said nothing goes as planned.
I'm currently in our b&b.
Went for docs appointment last week and baby has flipped. So it's just a matter of waiting. Doc. wants me to have frequent monitoring to see if I have any contractions and if the baby is doing well.
He then said that I should go into hospital at 40 weeks if baby is not born before and have frequent check ups making it present that my pregnancy is high risk and that I lost my baby at 36 weeks in my last pregnancy.
Well I went to hospital ... had various monitoring for contractions.... I have been going for the past three days every two days. A doc didn't actually believe that baby had flipped and said that he wanted to give me a scan. He did and said that I had polydramnios. Too much amniotic liquid.
The doc in the hospital didn't seem that worried about it. He just said come back in about three days for monitoring. I went back the day after and abother doc said exactly the same thing.
I have read up on internet about polydramnios. I suppose I shouldn't have.
Polydramnious usually occurs when baby has gastrointestinal defects, if mother has gestational diabetes and other things.
I called my doc to let him know. He didn't seem very worried about it. He told me to do another glucose test. I went to see if I could do the test and the laboratory is closed for christmas holidays!
Im quite worried as I had polydramnios for my last pregnancy too.
I would love to know what's going on inside my bump. If baby is ok. I really hope everything will go well. I'm SO scared.
I'm currently in our b&b.
Went for docs appointment last week and baby has flipped. So it's just a matter of waiting. Doc. wants me to have frequent monitoring to see if I have any contractions and if the baby is doing well.
He then said that I should go into hospital at 40 weeks if baby is not born before and have frequent check ups making it present that my pregnancy is high risk and that I lost my baby at 36 weeks in my last pregnancy.
Well I went to hospital ... had various monitoring for contractions.... I have been going for the past three days every two days. A doc didn't actually believe that baby had flipped and said that he wanted to give me a scan. He did and said that I had polydramnios. Too much amniotic liquid.
The doc in the hospital didn't seem that worried about it. He just said come back in about three days for monitoring. I went back the day after and abother doc said exactly the same thing.
I have read up on internet about polydramnios. I suppose I shouldn't have.
Polydramnious usually occurs when baby has gastrointestinal defects, if mother has gestational diabetes and other things.
I called my doc to let him know. He didn't seem very worried about it. He told me to do another glucose test. I went to see if I could do the test and the laboratory is closed for christmas holidays!
Im quite worried as I had polydramnios for my last pregnancy too.
I would love to know what's going on inside my bump. If baby is ok. I really hope everything will go well. I'm SO scared.
Sunday 14 December 2014
hello 37 weeks......
Never did I ever think in the month of April straight after my pregnancy test that I would ever make 37 weeks.
I went to the hospital this week.
I had blood work done, spoke with the doc there, they did other test..... so IF i have to have a c section then they already have everything ready for me.
I also had monitering done. There were one or two contractions but nothing painful or to think I were to go into labour shortly.
Baby is still breach :(
At this point thought...... I think I'm in God's hands and whatever happens I'm here ready for any outcome. I would prefer a natural birth but if that cant be.... then I'll have to deal with it.
When I went into the maternity ward. I actually recognized a nurse. She's from my village. She helped me a lot telling me where to go for the different tests and who to speak to. Im actually glad I have her there at least I know who to call if I need something or for anything else.
I found out that the ward doesn't allow children under the age of 12 in the ward. I hope they don't make it a rule for when the baby is born.... my boys HAVE to see their brother! They will go mad if they don't see him straight away...... if they don't God knows what they'll be thinking has gone wrong :(
I have to go back in a few days to talk to the anethiasist and do test..... I'll ask then what the rule is for big brothers getting to know their little brother.
I haven't yet got my hospital bag ready yet. I have everything ready to put into it... but not put them in. I don't feel like putting anything in there yet. It's as if I delay it.... then I won't jinx it!
We have sorted out accomodation. I think that as soon as I have my last docs appointment then I will be going to stay with my sister in law for a few days. When school finishes for my boys then they'll came too.... we'll then probably spend christmas in a b&b and wait for our little man to arrive. Hopefully things will go as planned. Lately nothing seems to go as planned.
I went to the hospital this week.
I had blood work done, spoke with the doc there, they did other test..... so IF i have to have a c section then they already have everything ready for me.
I also had monitering done. There were one or two contractions but nothing painful or to think I were to go into labour shortly.
Baby is still breach :(
At this point thought...... I think I'm in God's hands and whatever happens I'm here ready for any outcome. I would prefer a natural birth but if that cant be.... then I'll have to deal with it.
When I went into the maternity ward. I actually recognized a nurse. She's from my village. She helped me a lot telling me where to go for the different tests and who to speak to. Im actually glad I have her there at least I know who to call if I need something or for anything else.
I found out that the ward doesn't allow children under the age of 12 in the ward. I hope they don't make it a rule for when the baby is born.... my boys HAVE to see their brother! They will go mad if they don't see him straight away...... if they don't God knows what they'll be thinking has gone wrong :(
I have to go back in a few days to talk to the anethiasist and do test..... I'll ask then what the rule is for big brothers getting to know their little brother.
I haven't yet got my hospital bag ready yet. I have everything ready to put into it... but not put them in. I don't feel like putting anything in there yet. It's as if I delay it.... then I won't jinx it!
We have sorted out accomodation. I think that as soon as I have my last docs appointment then I will be going to stay with my sister in law for a few days. When school finishes for my boys then they'll came too.... we'll then probably spend christmas in a b&b and wait for our little man to arrive. Hopefully things will go as planned. Lately nothing seems to go as planned.
Friday 5 December 2014
36+1 weeks ........
I got passed it!!!!!
I went to the doctors visit this week.
My little man has grown. He has actually recuperated the week he was behind from the begining of the pregnancy!
Glucose is fine. No protiene in my urine. Everything seems to be going well....
Except for one thing..... HE'S PODALIC!
Hopefully he will turn. All three of my babies have turned at the end of the pregnancy. Doc thinks he'll turn but just to be on the safe side he wants me to get blood work done and everything else for a c section so if my waters were to break I would have everything ready in hospital and they could do the c section.
So I have all of this blood work and check ups to do next week.
I finally got round to buying this little man a few things.!
I'm not getting my hopes up .... but .... I can't wait till he's here safe, healthy and alive!
I went to the doctors visit this week.
My little man has grown. He has actually recuperated the week he was behind from the begining of the pregnancy!
Glucose is fine. No protiene in my urine. Everything seems to be going well....
Except for one thing..... HE'S PODALIC!
Hopefully he will turn. All three of my babies have turned at the end of the pregnancy. Doc thinks he'll turn but just to be on the safe side he wants me to get blood work done and everything else for a c section so if my waters were to break I would have everything ready in hospital and they could do the c section.
So I have all of this blood work and check ups to do next week.
I finally got round to buying this little man a few things.!
I'm not getting my hopes up .... but .... I can't wait till he's here safe, healthy and alive!
Sunday 30 November 2014
35 weeks and 5 days.....
Same weeks and days my Baby Angel was born and yesterday I was actually the same weeks and days we found out my Baby Angels heart wasn't beating anymore :(
It's difficult .....
I keep thinking.... ok "is he moving?" "I've got to be careful because I don't want to not understand if he's moving less and then it's too late".
I'm quite worried about tomorrow. I pick up my glucose blood tests Hopefully they wont be as high as last time or the doc will referr me to another doc for diet and insulin shots. I've tryed extra hard to eat healthily and keep away from sweets and chocolate. I'm cravying chocolate but determined not to givin!
I'l be having my next check up this week. My strep swab too. Hopefully those will go well. My boys want to come to the docs check up. We will probably let the doc start the scan and when he hopefully says everything is ok then we'll let the boys in. We'll have to tell him not to mention that they're going to have a little brother :D
Then ..... IF everything goes well..... I think the time has come to shop for stuff for my hospital bag and something for baby.
My sister in law rang yesterday saying she was off to buy baby's first outfit. SO I'll have to at least buy another outfit for the second day in hospital. I don't want to worry hubby and everyone to go and buy things for the baby the day after he's born.
I was thinking about all of this today and saying to myself. Ok.. it's something I've got to do. It's something I would normally do in a pregnancy......so why do I feel like I'm running ahead? I then concluded thinking.... I have to buy stuff for me one way or the other because.... wether he have his eyes open or wether he be sleeping he's still got to come out of there so I'll need a hospital bag. If I don't use his things I buy then I can always put them in a memory box.
I know.... it's morbid... it's wierd ..... and it's not what an expectant mum would think but it's what I do think and I can't wait to know what the outcome will be. Will he be in my arms alive? or will he be in my arms just so I can say goodbye?
It's difficult .....
I keep thinking.... ok "is he moving?" "I've got to be careful because I don't want to not understand if he's moving less and then it's too late".
I'm quite worried about tomorrow. I pick up my glucose blood tests Hopefully they wont be as high as last time or the doc will referr me to another doc for diet and insulin shots. I've tryed extra hard to eat healthily and keep away from sweets and chocolate. I'm cravying chocolate but determined not to givin!
I'l be having my next check up this week. My strep swab too. Hopefully those will go well. My boys want to come to the docs check up. We will probably let the doc start the scan and when he hopefully says everything is ok then we'll let the boys in. We'll have to tell him not to mention that they're going to have a little brother :D
Then ..... IF everything goes well..... I think the time has come to shop for stuff for my hospital bag and something for baby.
My sister in law rang yesterday saying she was off to buy baby's first outfit. SO I'll have to at least buy another outfit for the second day in hospital. I don't want to worry hubby and everyone to go and buy things for the baby the day after he's born.
I was thinking about all of this today and saying to myself. Ok.. it's something I've got to do. It's something I would normally do in a pregnancy......so why do I feel like I'm running ahead? I then concluded thinking.... I have to buy stuff for me one way or the other because.... wether he have his eyes open or wether he be sleeping he's still got to come out of there so I'll need a hospital bag. If I don't use his things I buy then I can always put them in a memory box.
I know.... it's morbid... it's wierd ..... and it's not what an expectant mum would think but it's what I do think and I can't wait to know what the outcome will be. Will he be in my arms alive? or will he be in my arms just so I can say goodbye?
Thursday 20 November 2014
34 weeks + doc's appointment update
Here we go....
The overall picture is Very good.
Baby has grown. We got to see his face a little better. He seems to look like our first born.
Liquid is fine, His wieght has gone up. His measurements are as they should be for 34 weeks. Placenta is young and in a good position.
Now onto the not so good notes.
My blood sugar levels went up slightly. He wasn't pleased about that. I have been going a bit over the top with sweets ans chocolates from my negative glucose tests..... maybe just a little bit too much. I have also gained a little bit too much weight.
So I'm back on my fruit and vegtables diet. Not having any sweets or chocolate even though I crave them SO bad!
I'm going to redo my blood work to see if the sugar levels go down. Hopefully they will after a good week of dieting.
doc has told me o stop taking my aspirin tablet. Hopefully that will be ok.
They gave me a hospital list. I went to the supermarket afterwards .... I just couldn't bring myself to buy anything on that list. I just kept picking up stuff and putting it bak down again.
Maybe after my 36 week mark I'll be slightly more open to buying stuff, I'll have to be!!!!
The overall picture is Very good.
Baby has grown. We got to see his face a little better. He seems to look like our first born.
Liquid is fine, His wieght has gone up. His measurements are as they should be for 34 weeks. Placenta is young and in a good position.
Now onto the not so good notes.
My blood sugar levels went up slightly. He wasn't pleased about that. I have been going a bit over the top with sweets ans chocolates from my negative glucose tests..... maybe just a little bit too much. I have also gained a little bit too much weight.
So I'm back on my fruit and vegtables diet. Not having any sweets or chocolate even though I crave them SO bad!
I'm going to redo my blood work to see if the sugar levels go down. Hopefully they will after a good week of dieting.
doc has told me o stop taking my aspirin tablet. Hopefully that will be ok.
They gave me a hospital list. I went to the supermarket afterwards .... I just couldn't bring myself to buy anything on that list. I just kept picking up stuff and putting it bak down again.
Maybe after my 36 week mark I'll be slightly more open to buying stuff, I'll have to be!!!!
Saturday 15 November 2014
32 + 33 weeks......
I must confess that I was quite sure that I was still 32 weeks when I was actually 33. I lost count. I don't know if that was maybe my subconsious WANTING to delay everything.... When I did eventually understand I was 33 weeks I started to get into panic mode.
I'm near my 35+5 mark. The week and days I lost my baby and I am terrified of losing this little one too.
I've always had this sort of gut feeling that when everything seems to go really well.....then there it is round the corner..... that giant slap in the face that says "That will teach you for being happy!"
It really worries me that something is going to go terribly wrong and we'll all end up in tears.
My docs visit is this week. I'm scared about that too.... about him saying that my little man hasn't grown from last time.
Without deliberatley doing so I have read a few loss stories on the internet.... everytime I do I start to imagine myself in their shoes and in those situations with risks and illnesses that it frightens me.
On a positive note a friend came round. She kissed my baby bump and I surprisingly didnt feel fustrated by it. It was a loving kiss... and she had the most caring smile. It made me happy to share my bump with her and talk a while.
I'm still not going out and making myself be seen. I get phone calls. asking me about birthday parties and kids activities. I suppose that's just normal with two children that go to school. I feel really bad having to make excuses and telling lies as to why I can't go and buy the birthday present this time round..... because "I'm working". Hopefully everyone will forgive me when they actually find out the reason for my not being around and not partecipating in my boy's activities.
I still haven't sorted out my accomodation near the hospital. Hope to do that when I got to docs appointment this week.
My little man is still moving THANK GOD! He makes me smile. I'm still counting the kicks but in a rather less anxious way. I read a blog post on the PAL website and coundn't agree more with this PAL mum. I'll link the article here. I had read sevral artiles on counting the kicks, Too little ,,,, then too many, I was getting quite confused. I'm glad this PAL mum wrote this vìblog post and calmed my nerves.
Next update after docs appointment. All fingers crossed...... and if anyone still prays......they will come in handy too.
I'm near my 35+5 mark. The week and days I lost my baby and I am terrified of losing this little one too.
I've always had this sort of gut feeling that when everything seems to go really well.....then there it is round the corner..... that giant slap in the face that says "That will teach you for being happy!"
It really worries me that something is going to go terribly wrong and we'll all end up in tears.
My docs visit is this week. I'm scared about that too.... about him saying that my little man hasn't grown from last time.
Without deliberatley doing so I have read a few loss stories on the internet.... everytime I do I start to imagine myself in their shoes and in those situations with risks and illnesses that it frightens me.
On a positive note a friend came round. She kissed my baby bump and I surprisingly didnt feel fustrated by it. It was a loving kiss... and she had the most caring smile. It made me happy to share my bump with her and talk a while.
I'm still not going out and making myself be seen. I get phone calls. asking me about birthday parties and kids activities. I suppose that's just normal with two children that go to school. I feel really bad having to make excuses and telling lies as to why I can't go and buy the birthday present this time round..... because "I'm working". Hopefully everyone will forgive me when they actually find out the reason for my not being around and not partecipating in my boy's activities.
I still haven't sorted out my accomodation near the hospital. Hope to do that when I got to docs appointment this week.
My little man is still moving THANK GOD! He makes me smile. I'm still counting the kicks but in a rather less anxious way. I read a blog post on the PAL website and coundn't agree more with this PAL mum. I'll link the article here. I had read sevral artiles on counting the kicks, Too little ,,,, then too many, I was getting quite confused. I'm glad this PAL mum wrote this vìblog post and calmed my nerves.
Next update after docs appointment. All fingers crossed...... and if anyone still prays......they will come in handy too.
Sunday 2 November 2014
30 and 31 weeks....
I had my docs appointment last week.
Everything went well. Doc said that baby is growing well. It's about the same weight now at birth as my angel baby so he wants to monitor me a little more because my angel baby obviously stopped growing around 31 or 32 weeks.
Symptoms I am having at the moment .... is bad heartburn.
I'm putting on just a bit too much weight!!!!
I bumped into a friend in a shop the other day. She stopped looked at me and was gobsmacked!
She said that someone had asked her if she knew if I were pregnant or not. She said she didn't know and didn't want to know and that if I am then I may well have my reasons not to tell anyone.
I hope that's the truth.....
I told another friend and she phoned me yesterday saying that seen as though I keep my angel baby alive remembering her and organizing babyloss events and stuff that it's her way of wanting to thank me and wanting to make me happy by giving me another baby.
I was really touched by her words.
I don't know if my angel baby really thinks this of me.... and I don't know how the outcome will be. I'm in God's hands and he will do as he wishes. I hope to have my screaming baby here alive a well.... I hope to be well too.
Now the fact that I am also at risk has started to kick in even more. I keep thinking about my boys.... I know they will be well looked after..... but.... I'll miss them like crazy if anything happens. I hope God's will ... will be kind to all of us and just like all good films and books we can live happily ever after.
I took a very brave step yesterday too. I looked at all of my angels clothes to see if there was anything she could lend her brother. There were some things that were nutural and I think I will use. I won't actually get them ready or wash them or anything untill I get past my 36 week mark. I know anything can happen after too.... but I really have to wait till that date for anything.
I was looking were to stay closer to the hospital. There is a sort of B&B nearby but it will cost a bomb for just two weeks. Since I don't really know when the birth is going to be I was thinking about renting furnished appartment or house for about a month. It cost much less and I can at least cook and wash my clothes. Another advantage is that we can have the boys and my parents stay without added charge as we would have in a B&B if we were to stay in a four bed room.
I've started looking for accomodation because ..... well.... one way or another... this baby has to be born. I might aswell get that sorted at least.
See you next week,..... or the week after for another update.
Everything went well. Doc said that baby is growing well. It's about the same weight now at birth as my angel baby so he wants to monitor me a little more because my angel baby obviously stopped growing around 31 or 32 weeks.
Symptoms I am having at the moment .... is bad heartburn.
I'm putting on just a bit too much weight!!!!
I bumped into a friend in a shop the other day. She stopped looked at me and was gobsmacked!
She said that someone had asked her if she knew if I were pregnant or not. She said she didn't know and didn't want to know and that if I am then I may well have my reasons not to tell anyone.
I hope that's the truth.....
I told another friend and she phoned me yesterday saying that seen as though I keep my angel baby alive remembering her and organizing babyloss events and stuff that it's her way of wanting to thank me and wanting to make me happy by giving me another baby.
I was really touched by her words.
I don't know if my angel baby really thinks this of me.... and I don't know how the outcome will be. I'm in God's hands and he will do as he wishes. I hope to have my screaming baby here alive a well.... I hope to be well too.
Now the fact that I am also at risk has started to kick in even more. I keep thinking about my boys.... I know they will be well looked after..... but.... I'll miss them like crazy if anything happens. I hope God's will ... will be kind to all of us and just like all good films and books we can live happily ever after.
I took a very brave step yesterday too. I looked at all of my angels clothes to see if there was anything she could lend her brother. There were some things that were nutural and I think I will use. I won't actually get them ready or wash them or anything untill I get past my 36 week mark. I know anything can happen after too.... but I really have to wait till that date for anything.
I was looking were to stay closer to the hospital. There is a sort of B&B nearby but it will cost a bomb for just two weeks. Since I don't really know when the birth is going to be I was thinking about renting furnished appartment or house for about a month. It cost much less and I can at least cook and wash my clothes. Another advantage is that we can have the boys and my parents stay without added charge as we would have in a B&B if we were to stay in a four bed room.
I've started looking for accomodation because ..... well.... one way or another... this baby has to be born. I might aswell get that sorted at least.
See you next week,..... or the week after for another update.
Tuesday 21 October 2014
WEEK 26...27...28...29....
I've not been on here recently. :( Sorry about that.
Anyway .... things seem to be going well till now.
I've had the usual pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, aches and pains..... the usual... and I'm even greatful for those!!!
I had my glucose test done... everything went well.
My bump is growing. I love feeling him kick.
The nosey people are still around.... but I don't bother about them.
The 15th of October..... for the wave of light .... we had a beatiful day of remembering all babies that are no longer with us.
It was such a great day and the village participated with empathy .... at least they were good in that.
I have my docs appointment next week.
Now I'll be going into my 30th week in a few days..... getting to 36 weeks will be really scarey..... and getting passed it will be good...but still worrying.
see you next week after my docs appointment
Anyway .... things seem to be going well till now.
I've had the usual pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, aches and pains..... the usual... and I'm even greatful for those!!!
I had my glucose test done... everything went well.
My bump is growing. I love feeling him kick.
The nosey people are still around.... but I don't bother about them.
The 15th of October..... for the wave of light .... we had a beatiful day of remembering all babies that are no longer with us.
It was such a great day and the village participated with empathy .... at least they were good in that.
I have my docs appointment next week.
Now I'll be going into my 30th week in a few days..... getting to 36 weeks will be really scarey..... and getting passed it will be good...but still worrying.
see you next week after my docs appointment
Sunday 21 September 2014
24 and 25 weeks.....
I didn't have much to write for last weeks update.....
I don't really have much to write for this weeks apart from the fact that I'm growing :D
I feel baby move constantly and I'm so greatful! I never thought I would bond with it much after the loss of my angel..... but I am.... and I'm so in love with him just as I am in love with his ohter three sibblings.
We had a bit of a scare the other day.... not a pregnancy related one.... but a house related one. I woke up andd saw the most odd looking object under my kitchen counter. It looked to me as if it were mouse droppings. I looked closely and saw more :( oh NO!!!!!!!!!
I called hubby, He called an expert and someone to come and clean and disinfect our kitchen. I unfortunately can get everything clean what with doc saying I can't do a lot with the fybroid.
Anyway... turned out they weren't mouse droppings but some sort of insect larva. HURRAY!!!!!!
The lady that had come to clean the kitchen from cieling to floor anyway ... cos it need it!!!!! why am I telling you all of this? what does this have to do with my pregnancy after loss? well.... actually it does a bit.
In my kitchen I have a little corner dedicated to my angel baby. We have a little clay tag with her name on it and a few little plants. Well As I was putting away stuff in my kitchen drawers. I caught this lady that had made the clay name piece fall.... grab something and throw it away. When I eventually looked to see what had happened she had broken half a letter and threw it away! I was SO angry!!!!
I didn't confront her about it. I would have probably have been so nasty towards her. I just thought "ok baby keep me calm and help me ignore it!".
:(
I will need more help before baby is born around the house.... but I'll be damned if I'll ever call her again!
I don't really have much to write for this weeks apart from the fact that I'm growing :D
I feel baby move constantly and I'm so greatful! I never thought I would bond with it much after the loss of my angel..... but I am.... and I'm so in love with him just as I am in love with his ohter three sibblings.
We had a bit of a scare the other day.... not a pregnancy related one.... but a house related one. I woke up andd saw the most odd looking object under my kitchen counter. It looked to me as if it were mouse droppings. I looked closely and saw more :( oh NO!!!!!!!!!
I called hubby, He called an expert and someone to come and clean and disinfect our kitchen. I unfortunately can get everything clean what with doc saying I can't do a lot with the fybroid.
Anyway... turned out they weren't mouse droppings but some sort of insect larva. HURRAY!!!!!!
The lady that had come to clean the kitchen from cieling to floor anyway ... cos it need it!!!!! why am I telling you all of this? what does this have to do with my pregnancy after loss? well.... actually it does a bit.
In my kitchen I have a little corner dedicated to my angel baby. We have a little clay tag with her name on it and a few little plants. Well As I was putting away stuff in my kitchen drawers. I caught this lady that had made the clay name piece fall.... grab something and throw it away. When I eventually looked to see what had happened she had broken half a letter and threw it away! I was SO angry!!!!
I didn't confront her about it. I would have probably have been so nasty towards her. I just thought "ok baby keep me calm and help me ignore it!".
:(
I will need more help before baby is born around the house.... but I'll be damned if I'll ever call her again!
Saturday 6 September 2014
23 weeks......
Went for my docs appointment.
Baby is doing fine. He's measuring and weighing fine.
Still had a bit of trouble in the toilet department. Still got constipation! Well lets just say I had, because I am now taking pysillum gel everyday (well from yesterday) and it seems to have sorted it out.
Doc has given me iron tablets. They've always given me bad constipation with my other pregnancies. It's a good job I'm taking the pysillum.
I've gained 7 pounds since the begining of the pregnancy. I'm not allowed to put on much more. Maybe 3 pounds then I have to up my heparin dose. I hope not because I won't feel happy having to do that.
On the nosey people front..... well.... people are talking..... they even know how far along I am!!!!!!! I'm actually gobsmacked at that. HOw the hell do they know that and are convinced it's the truth!!!!!! I'm going to have a good look under my bed every night from now on!!!!! Someone else had to be there at the conception to be so convinced they know how far I am!
:)
I'll let them talk......as long as they don't dare to call me or congratulate me on my pregnancy.
Monday 1 September 2014
22 weeks...
:( had a little visit in A&E
Well I'll tell you it all from the begining.
I went for a vaginal swab one morning. It all went well. Then came home. I felt quite tired. Had a lie down. Went to the toilet. Wiped myself... and there is was..... mucus mixed with a bit of blood. My blood went cold and a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.
I phone my doc. Abroad. ABROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh??????!!!!!
I then think I have to have this checked out. I had no intention of going to the A&E near here. It's the hospital my baby angel was born in. So hubby and I got in the car and an hour and a half later we were in A&E in the hospital I "HOPE" to give birth in. After a two hour wait.... and a screaming new baby born as we were waiting...... we went in and doc gave me a check over. Everything was fine. No blood to be seen. Baby was fine..... (I already knew that though because the first thing I did was use the doppler and heard the heartbeat. He was kicking away too!)
At the end of my scare the doc said that it was probably all to do with the swab that morning and not to worry.
Our journey back home was much more comforting. Smiles had by all. I left my boys at home and they were worried sick when we left them. When we got home they were happy to here the good news.
Changing the subject.... well to be honest I should dedicate it a new post .... but then that would be giving it too much importance.... so I won't.
The day after my scare.... I get a phone call. Someone I hardly ever talk to on the phone. I know this person. I wouldn't actually call her a friend. Anyway the phone call goes like this:
- Heeellloooooooooo
ME- oh hi!
-how are you?
Me: fine thanks
- is what I've heard true?
Me: depends on what you've heard
- have you got a bump?
Me: (...........................)
Me: who told you? I haven't been going out.... I haven't spoken to anyone..... I think anyone would understand that even if it is true, just maybe I don't want to talk about it and I want to live this my way.
- oh ok. As long as your ok.
Me: couldn't be better (sarcastically said).
I just can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I can actually understand who could have let our big secret out. Two, so called friends of ours came to our house to say goodbye as they were going back home after they're holidays. I wasn't expecting them. Anyway.... one of them pointed to my bump and said.... "I'm not that good at observing". I answered if they could please ignore it..... I don't want to talk about it. If someone would have said that to me I would have understood.
What do they do?
They walk out of my house and tell everyone in the bloody village!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok..... I understand.... they are probably happy for us and wanted to tell everyone. I want to scream it out to the whole world but don't!!!!!!!!!! Their Happiness doesn't make mine!
anyway...... I'm sure I'm going to have many other phone calls during this week. News goes round VERY quickly in this village.
Even the phone call is just beyond me. Would you really phone someone to ask if what they heard is true? You know my past story. You know how much I was hurting. If it's true.... then be happy for me without being nosey. If it's not true.... well only time will tell.
Curiosity Killed the Cat!
Well I'll tell you it all from the begining.
I went for a vaginal swab one morning. It all went well. Then came home. I felt quite tired. Had a lie down. Went to the toilet. Wiped myself... and there is was..... mucus mixed with a bit of blood. My blood went cold and a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.
I phone my doc. Abroad. ABROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh??????!!!!!
I then think I have to have this checked out. I had no intention of going to the A&E near here. It's the hospital my baby angel was born in. So hubby and I got in the car and an hour and a half later we were in A&E in the hospital I "HOPE" to give birth in. After a two hour wait.... and a screaming new baby born as we were waiting...... we went in and doc gave me a check over. Everything was fine. No blood to be seen. Baby was fine..... (I already knew that though because the first thing I did was use the doppler and heard the heartbeat. He was kicking away too!)
At the end of my scare the doc said that it was probably all to do with the swab that morning and not to worry.
Our journey back home was much more comforting. Smiles had by all. I left my boys at home and they were worried sick when we left them. When we got home they were happy to here the good news.
Changing the subject.... well to be honest I should dedicate it a new post .... but then that would be giving it too much importance.... so I won't.
The day after my scare.... I get a phone call. Someone I hardly ever talk to on the phone. I know this person. I wouldn't actually call her a friend. Anyway the phone call goes like this:
- Heeellloooooooooo
ME- oh hi!
-how are you?
Me: fine thanks
- is what I've heard true?
Me: depends on what you've heard
- have you got a bump?
Me: (...........................)
Me: who told you? I haven't been going out.... I haven't spoken to anyone..... I think anyone would understand that even if it is true, just maybe I don't want to talk about it and I want to live this my way.
- oh ok. As long as your ok.
Me: couldn't be better (sarcastically said).
I just can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I can actually understand who could have let our big secret out. Two, so called friends of ours came to our house to say goodbye as they were going back home after they're holidays. I wasn't expecting them. Anyway.... one of them pointed to my bump and said.... "I'm not that good at observing". I answered if they could please ignore it..... I don't want to talk about it. If someone would have said that to me I would have understood.
What do they do?
They walk out of my house and tell everyone in the bloody village!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok..... I understand.... they are probably happy for us and wanted to tell everyone. I want to scream it out to the whole world but don't!!!!!!!!!! Their Happiness doesn't make mine!
anyway...... I'm sure I'm going to have many other phone calls during this week. News goes round VERY quickly in this village.
Even the phone call is just beyond me. Would you really phone someone to ask if what they heard is true? You know my past story. You know how much I was hurting. If it's true.... then be happy for me without being nosey. If it's not true.... well only time will tell.
Curiosity Killed the Cat!
Sunday 24 August 2014
21 weeks....
.... well just over 21 weeks. I'm a little late with the update.
Well not much has happened this week.
I eventually did tell my neighbours. I sent them a text message. Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant. I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.
They actually understood. They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.
Thank God!!!!
A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary. She didn't say anything to me. She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant. They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies. Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately. But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her? I mean what's the big deal if I am? She isn't going to have to spend money on it. She isn't the one giving birth to it. If people know what difference does it make anyway???
Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday. Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me. She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump! I was furious!!!!!!! I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly. How dare she!
That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions. It was actually wind and an upset stomach. But I think she did contribute it all.
Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook. I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome. Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows. I lost my baby at 36 weeks. My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man. The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.
I don't know if I can explain. If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?
What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They're still here! They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.
Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! Come soon I want to see my alive baby!
Well not much has happened this week.
I eventually did tell my neighbours. I sent them a text message. Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant. I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.
They actually understood. They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.
Thank God!!!!
A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary. She didn't say anything to me. She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant. They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies. Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately. But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her? I mean what's the big deal if I am? She isn't going to have to spend money on it. She isn't the one giving birth to it. If people know what difference does it make anyway???
Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday. Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me. She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump! I was furious!!!!!!! I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly. How dare she!
That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions. It was actually wind and an upset stomach. But I think she did contribute it all.
Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook. I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome. Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows. I lost my baby at 36 weeks. My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man. The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.
I don't know if I can explain. If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?
What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They're still here! They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.
Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! Come soon I want to see my alive baby!
Friday 15 August 2014
20 weeks.....
Half way!
Another 20 weeks (God willing) and it will be over!
I went for my fetal ecocardio scan. It all went well. We were in the hospital where I think I will be giving birth. When we waked in there were a load of bumps waiting to do the same scan. We were near the neonatal unit.
Seeing the tiniest of twins go passed us in an incubator was quite scary.
Seeing parents going into the neonatal unit with sad faces was heartbreaking.
Seeing two mothers coming out on the neonatal unit with their babies with a great big smile that went from ear to ear was comforting.
Seeing parents coming in for their weekly check up with their tiny little sleepy bundles was hopeful. I found myself thinking..... will I be one of these mothers? Will I at least have the tiniest bit of hope that this little baby boy that is kicking around inside will actually come home with me. Or will I be going out of that hospital with empty arms..... yet again?
It was then my turn.
There he was. His tiny heart was beating away. He kept wriggling away from the sonogram and the doc. said he was a crafty little chappie!
I have started crocheting a blanket. A rainbow coloured one. Maybe I shouldn't. But then I thought.... "oh well..... if he doesn't get wrapped up in his blanket I can always put it in his memory box!". Morbid? Well yeah maybe..... but that's how it is when you're PAL (Pregnant After Loss).
People seem to be noticing my bump more...... and I have sort of exploded! My bump is definately not hideable anymore.
My friends.... who are also my neighbours keep asking hubby where I am and why don't I go round to see them anymore. I really don't know what to do. Do I come out into the open and be bombarded with all the STUPID questions and IGNORANT comments? do I carry on hiding in my house? It's not easy living in such a close net comunity where everyone knows everyone.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another 20 weeks (God willing) and it will be over!
I went for my fetal ecocardio scan. It all went well. We were in the hospital where I think I will be giving birth. When we waked in there were a load of bumps waiting to do the same scan. We were near the neonatal unit.
Seeing the tiniest of twins go passed us in an incubator was quite scary.
Seeing parents going into the neonatal unit with sad faces was heartbreaking.
Seeing two mothers coming out on the neonatal unit with their babies with a great big smile that went from ear to ear was comforting.
Seeing parents coming in for their weekly check up with their tiny little sleepy bundles was hopeful. I found myself thinking..... will I be one of these mothers? Will I at least have the tiniest bit of hope that this little baby boy that is kicking around inside will actually come home with me. Or will I be going out of that hospital with empty arms..... yet again?
It was then my turn.
There he was. His tiny heart was beating away. He kept wriggling away from the sonogram and the doc. said he was a crafty little chappie!
I have started crocheting a blanket. A rainbow coloured one. Maybe I shouldn't. But then I thought.... "oh well..... if he doesn't get wrapped up in his blanket I can always put it in his memory box!". Morbid? Well yeah maybe..... but that's how it is when you're PAL (Pregnant After Loss).
People seem to be noticing my bump more...... and I have sort of exploded! My bump is definately not hideable anymore.
My friends.... who are also my neighbours keep asking hubby where I am and why don't I go round to see them anymore. I really don't know what to do. Do I come out into the open and be bombarded with all the STUPID questions and IGNORANT comments? do I carry on hiding in my house? It's not easy living in such a close net comunity where everyone knows everyone.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday 8 August 2014
19 weeks...
Here I am for my 19 week update!
We went to our doc appointment on Wednesday. We had our anatomy scan. Everything is in the right place. Things seem to be looking good.
Just one thing wasn't right and upset me quite a bit. I have a fribroid just underneath my placenta causing it to lift in the middle. Doc said to not do any heavy lifting. He said he wasn't that worried about it because it is quite small. 3 cm. There could be a risk that it might get bigger as the pregnancy hormone could cause it to get bigger.... at the moment he wants to keep it under control and check babies growth because he doesn't want this fibroid obstracting the nutrients going to the baby.
The baby is 150% a boy!
I can feel him move now. :D I love feeling him move around. If I get scared.... I get my doppler out and then calm down when I hear the heart beat.
We told our boys that they are going to have a little brother or sister. I don't want to tell them the gender. I want it to be a surpise for them. They seemed to be very happy about it. They understand us not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time. My eldest actually said "when it's born I'll help buy clothes and things it needs"!.
We have a fetal cardio scan in a few days. Fingers crossed things are going to go well with that too.
We went to our doc appointment on Wednesday. We had our anatomy scan. Everything is in the right place. Things seem to be looking good.
Just one thing wasn't right and upset me quite a bit. I have a fribroid just underneath my placenta causing it to lift in the middle. Doc said to not do any heavy lifting. He said he wasn't that worried about it because it is quite small. 3 cm. There could be a risk that it might get bigger as the pregnancy hormone could cause it to get bigger.... at the moment he wants to keep it under control and check babies growth because he doesn't want this fibroid obstracting the nutrients going to the baby.
The baby is 150% a boy!
I can feel him move now. :D I love feeling him move around. If I get scared.... I get my doppler out and then calm down when I hear the heart beat.
We told our boys that they are going to have a little brother or sister. I don't want to tell them the gender. I want it to be a surpise for them. They seemed to be very happy about it. They understand us not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time. My eldest actually said "when it's born I'll help buy clothes and things it needs"!.
We have a fetal cardio scan in a few days. Fingers crossed things are going to go well with that too.
Saturday 2 August 2014
I may just be going mad!
I asked hubby if he would let me use the doppler on him. He was VERY reluctant at first ..... when I explained that I wanted to hear the difference between an unpregnant person and someone that's pregnant. There was a big difference. :D I didn't think it would be that different. :D
Funny that only after trying it on my hubby I was convinced that the doppler actually works!
Funny that only after trying it on my hubby I was convinced that the doppler actually works!
Wednesday 30 July 2014
18 weeks...
Things seem to be going good.
It's been a very calm week. Nothing to talk about really.
I haven't weighed myself since the last docs appointment. I'm slightly scared too :( I've been watching what I'm eating. No sweet stuff.... no fried stuff. Eating as healthly as I can. Hopefully the scales won't make me cry when I get on them next week before docs appointment.
I'm going to hav blood work done this week so I won't have to hurry around like I did last time and nothing was ready to take to docs.
I've still been using my doppler. What a great invention!
Even though I still get my what ifs!!!! like what if what I'm listening to isn't my baby?
I wish december would hurry up and get here!
Keep your fingers crossed for a friend of mine. She is a week behind me in this pregnancy and she's having some complications. We've been holding hands .... I'm holding her hand special tight and keeping her in my prayers.
See you next week.
Oh.... ps: thank you Sarita for commenting, thank you also for your thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday 22 July 2014
17 weeks
Here we are. 17 week mark.
I think I might have felt something move. I can't have that much wind in my belly ;)
I am still taking the same medicines. I haven't used the doppler for a few days. I've had to force myself to do so. I would stay 24/7 with it on my bump to listen to it all the time.
My dad asked me yesterday if I knew what we were having. I said I didn't know. (I lied) I also said I didn't want to know (another lie). I think everyone in the family is wanting it to be a girl. My mum did say when I told her I was pregnant that this time it would be a girl. I haven't got a 100% answer from my doc yet.... but if he says it 90% boy then it's probably going to turn into a 100% boy next time.
Now with my doppler I think my doc appointments will be slightly less anxious. All I need to do is hear the baby's heartbeat before I go in. Of course I won't be totally relaxed because you never know wht can happen in a split second.... but at least I won't be scared to look at the monitor.
I haven't got anymore nausea or sickness so I'm always hungry. I love pasta with fresh tomato sauce. I try to be careful with my weight though because doc doesn't want me gaining a lot.
Over all..... pregnancy has gone pretty well.
I haven't told anyone yet. Well nobody that isn't my immediate family. It's wierd talking to other pregnant women who are a wekk ahead of you and not talk to them about the pregnancy. I am showing but I'm good at hiding my secret very well!!!!!
I think I might have felt something move. I can't have that much wind in my belly ;)
I am still taking the same medicines. I haven't used the doppler for a few days. I've had to force myself to do so. I would stay 24/7 with it on my bump to listen to it all the time.
My dad asked me yesterday if I knew what we were having. I said I didn't know. (I lied) I also said I didn't want to know (another lie). I think everyone in the family is wanting it to be a girl. My mum did say when I told her I was pregnant that this time it would be a girl. I haven't got a 100% answer from my doc yet.... but if he says it 90% boy then it's probably going to turn into a 100% boy next time.
Now with my doppler I think my doc appointments will be slightly less anxious. All I need to do is hear the baby's heartbeat before I go in. Of course I won't be totally relaxed because you never know wht can happen in a split second.... but at least I won't be scared to look at the monitor.
I haven't got anymore nausea or sickness so I'm always hungry. I love pasta with fresh tomato sauce. I try to be careful with my weight though because doc doesn't want me gaining a lot.
Over all..... pregnancy has gone pretty well.
I haven't told anyone yet. Well nobody that isn't my immediate family. It's wierd talking to other pregnant women who are a wekk ahead of you and not talk to them about the pregnancy. I am showing but I'm good at hiding my secret very well!!!!!
Saturday 19 July 2014
Fetal doppler
I got it in the post yesterday. Just when I wrote.... hurry up..... hubby walked in with a package!!!
I tried it yesterday. Three times! Let's just put it this way..... it's not easy to find a little heartbeat in a bump with a wiggly baby who's heart is probably just a few milimeters big.
Anyway.... I did find the heartbeat in the end. I did this morning too.
My little baby's heartbeat is music to my ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love my little man!
I tried it yesterday. Three times! Let's just put it this way..... it's not easy to find a little heartbeat in a bump with a wiggly baby who's heart is probably just a few milimeters big.
Anyway.... I did find the heartbeat in the end. I did this morning too.
My little baby's heartbeat is music to my ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love my little man!
Friday 18 July 2014
16 weeks
I suppose I should be updating every week but never get round to it.
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
As always I get really anxious just before I get into the room. We went in and the doctor's first reaction to my belly was: "oh my! you can tell you do clexane!"
I looked away as I do a the beging of a scan. Then I here the doc say "ok.... so here are the arms wiggling away". I then pluck up the courage to turn and look at my little child.
The doc. explained that the scan was a preanatomy scan. A bit like the scan I had last time with my NT scan.
Doc said everything looked fine. That everything looked as though it was continuing as normal. He said that he thinks baby is probably a little boy. He said he's 90% sure but we'll find out properly for our anatomy scan in 3 weeks.
I must be sincere. I was just a tiny bit disappointed. I would have liked to of had a girl experience. I now know I won't have one for the rest of my life and am slightly sad about it but...... then I think.... I have a live baby kicking and punching inside of me! I am thankful and greatful to God for him!
The doc was surprised I didn't put on weight since last time. He didn't believe me :( I hope I don't look too fat!
He told me to carry on with the medicine I'm already taking. He wants me to have a glucose thingy done. I'm not looking forward to drinking that horrid sweet stuff. Never mind.
When we left his office he actually congratulated us on our pregnancy. I didn't say thank you or anything because I firmly belive it brings bad luck..... but hearing him was strange and hopeful at the same time.
Now I'm looking for a boy baby name. I never thought I would want to name the baby with the masculine of his big sister's name. As time goes on.... and thinking of other names..... none seem to be right for him. Am I making a mistake? should I not use the same name for my baby boy? Will I think of my baby girl everytime I call his name? But surely I'll be thikning of her everytime I look at my baby boy, won't I?
I hope to update when I turn 17 weeks and not leave an update with such a big gap.
My fetal doppler hasn't arrived yet :( hurry uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
As always I get really anxious just before I get into the room. We went in and the doctor's first reaction to my belly was: "oh my! you can tell you do clexane!"
I looked away as I do a the beging of a scan. Then I here the doc say "ok.... so here are the arms wiggling away". I then pluck up the courage to turn and look at my little child.
The doc. explained that the scan was a preanatomy scan. A bit like the scan I had last time with my NT scan.
Doc said everything looked fine. That everything looked as though it was continuing as normal. He said that he thinks baby is probably a little boy. He said he's 90% sure but we'll find out properly for our anatomy scan in 3 weeks.
I must be sincere. I was just a tiny bit disappointed. I would have liked to of had a girl experience. I now know I won't have one for the rest of my life and am slightly sad about it but...... then I think.... I have a live baby kicking and punching inside of me! I am thankful and greatful to God for him!
The doc was surprised I didn't put on weight since last time. He didn't believe me :( I hope I don't look too fat!
He told me to carry on with the medicine I'm already taking. He wants me to have a glucose thingy done. I'm not looking forward to drinking that horrid sweet stuff. Never mind.
When we left his office he actually congratulated us on our pregnancy. I didn't say thank you or anything because I firmly belive it brings bad luck..... but hearing him was strange and hopeful at the same time.
Now I'm looking for a boy baby name. I never thought I would want to name the baby with the masculine of his big sister's name. As time goes on.... and thinking of other names..... none seem to be right for him. Am I making a mistake? should I not use the same name for my baby boy? Will I think of my baby girl everytime I call his name? But surely I'll be thikning of her everytime I look at my baby boy, won't I?
I hope to update when I turn 17 weeks and not leave an update with such a big gap.
My fetal doppler hasn't arrived yet :( hurry uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!
Thursday 10 July 2014
What if.....
From my last ultrasound I have been thinking about the outcome of my next scan.
I know I'm boring.
But since my last ultrasound I have:
- had an arguement with my DH.
- shouted at my children
- been on my feet alot doing a few things
What if.......I lay down on that bed and get the same outcome that I had three years ago?
I have ordered a fetal doppler..... but it's only getting here on the 26th :( can't even get a listen of the heartbeat to be slightly more relaxed before my next ultrasound.
What if......... it gets here and I don't need it anymore :(
PS: thank you for my first follower
I know I'm boring.
But since my last ultrasound I have:
- had an arguement with my DH.
- shouted at my children
- been on my feet alot doing a few things
What if.......I lay down on that bed and get the same outcome that I had three years ago?
I have ordered a fetal doppler..... but it's only getting here on the 26th :( can't even get a listen of the heartbeat to be slightly more relaxed before my next ultrasound.
What if......... it gets here and I don't need it anymore :(
PS: thank you for my first follower
Saturday 28 June 2014
What number pregnancy is this?
I reply... the 4th.
I usually get someone look at me big eyed and then they ask.... how many children do you have at home..... and then I feel like dying.
I say two....and then they always say.... did you have an abortion? No.... I lost my daughter at 36 weeks. They then give me the horrid look af pity, say I'm sorry then carry on in their work.
Oh and I love the question: when was the date of your last period? I jump with joy inside! My last period date is actually my angel's birthday!
I usually get someone look at me big eyed and then they ask.... how many children do you have at home..... and then I feel like dying.
I say two....and then they always say.... did you have an abortion? No.... I lost my daughter at 36 weeks. They then give me the horrid look af pity, say I'm sorry then carry on in their work.
Oh and I love the question: when was the date of your last period? I jump with joy inside! My last period date is actually my angel's birthday!
Thursday 26 June 2014
Nuchal traslucency and nose bone
Both perfect!!!!
I saw the baby again yesterday!
As always I sart off being really scared and thinking that they're gonna say something terrible and that my pregnancy will end there on that bed the way it did three years ago.
Yesterday was a refreshing and HOPEful day! We got to see our baby .... his perfect little profile, his strong beating heart, his little hands over his face.....
The Doc said that we got to see quite alot of things considering I'm 12+6
She measured baby's nuchal traslucency three times and everytime she said it was perfect hubby and I squeezed our hands a little tighter. We held hands through the whole scan. I really needed hubbies support and he is always at arms length for me to hold on to!
I have only recently been introduced to what is called The Nub Theory. I'm getting quite a culture on what a boy's nub should look like and what a girl's should look like. Then I look at Minu's DVD and get confused. It's not that it's important. I love the baby to bits already. It's gender will make no difference.
I won't deny that I would have liked to have had the experience of raising a girl. Not being a mum to one.... because I already am a mum to a little girl!
Another boy would mean..... triple the boy love I get! it would mean more cars .... or animals.... or dino's.... even footballs. It would mean that I will have the honour of having another big pair of eyes look at me everyday as though I'm some kind of beauty queen even when I'm feeling under the weather and look like a lorry has hit me.
Another girl would mean..... PINK! it would mean that her sister can lend her some of her baby clothes. It means princesses and dolls. It means shopping! It means that I, and the rest of the family will have a whole new experience in raising a delicate little girl. It means big brown eyes will look at her daddy thinking he is her prince charming and she'll wrap him round her little finger and he'll love her all the more for it.
I won't tell you all what the doc said it was...... I'll tell you after the doc
as I said... in the end....I just want a screaming baby... alive and kicking.
I saw the baby again yesterday!
As always I sart off being really scared and thinking that they're gonna say something terrible and that my pregnancy will end there on that bed the way it did three years ago.
Yesterday was a refreshing and HOPEful day! We got to see our baby .... his perfect little profile, his strong beating heart, his little hands over his face.....
The Doc said that we got to see quite alot of things considering I'm 12+6
She measured baby's nuchal traslucency three times and everytime she said it was perfect hubby and I squeezed our hands a little tighter. We held hands through the whole scan. I really needed hubbies support and he is always at arms length for me to hold on to!
I have only recently been introduced to what is called The Nub Theory. I'm getting quite a culture on what a boy's nub should look like and what a girl's should look like. Then I look at Minu's DVD and get confused. It's not that it's important. I love the baby to bits already. It's gender will make no difference.
I won't deny that I would have liked to have had the experience of raising a girl. Not being a mum to one.... because I already am a mum to a little girl!
Another boy would mean..... triple the boy love I get! it would mean more cars .... or animals.... or dino's.... even footballs. It would mean that I will have the honour of having another big pair of eyes look at me everyday as though I'm some kind of beauty queen even when I'm feeling under the weather and look like a lorry has hit me.
Another girl would mean..... PINK! it would mean that her sister can lend her some of her baby clothes. It means princesses and dolls. It means shopping! It means that I, and the rest of the family will have a whole new experience in raising a delicate little girl. It means big brown eyes will look at her daddy thinking he is her prince charming and she'll wrap him round her little finger and he'll love her all the more for it.
I won't tell you all what the doc said it was...... I'll tell you after the doc
as I said... in the end....I just want a screaming baby... alive and kicking.
Thursday 19 June 2014
12 weeks!
Well 11 and 4 days according to the measurements! :D
Went to the doctor's appointment yesterday.
Whilst we were going there I noticed that a little white butterfly had stuck to our windscreen wipers and stayed there until we arrived at the doctors.
I did ask my little princess to stay by my side. She definately got herself seen.
When I got into the doctor's office I was SO scared. I thought my head was going to explode. It was pounding so hard. I was SO nervous I thought I was going to cry. Hubby was always there..... but I think I passed my anxiety on to him.
It was our turn.
Doc told me to get ready for an internal scan. I got ready.... got on the bed. I didn't look at the monitor where baby would have been. I turned my head and thought to wait till doc said here's the heartbeat. He saw me with my head turned and said "don't you want to look?" I replyed "as soon as you let me hear the heartbeat then I'll turn!". "The baby is fine.... it's moving so it's heart is beating!" I turned to look at it..... and there it was. A little funny thing on the monitor.... moving around. It had its arms up near its head. Just perfect!!!! I fell in love and funnily enough I didnt even feel guilty about it. Then again.... what is there to feel guilty about? I have 4 children now. My two boys here on earth. My baby girl on the sky and Minu in my belly!
When my second son was about to be born I felt so guilty for my first. I kept thinking of how he was going to feel left out.... of having to divide my love. When my second son was actually born the love I felt for him was unique.... different from the love I felt for the second son. I then came up with a conclusion. When a new baby starts to grow inside your bump a new heart starts to grow too. I now have four hearts.... no one..... is left out..... nothing is divided!
Doc said that overall everything was going well.
He was pleased with me not gaining weight. He said he didn't want me gain just too much beause then he would have to up the heparin intake.
He wants hubby to do blood work to see if he has any trombophilia in his blood too. If so then we need to keep a closer eye on the baby.
I will be seeing him in 4 weeks time.
I came out of the docs office smiling from ear to ear..... I got to see my baby with a beating heart! It was amazing!
When we got home we told our family. Everyone was very happy. My boys don't know so we told them to keep it a secret. Their first thoughts were for my baby girl. Everyone had the same thought. "If you would have had heparin maybe our little baby girl would be with us today!". I always think of that. I keep thinking of how my ex doc was negligent and quite ignorant.
Went to the doctor's appointment yesterday.
Whilst we were going there I noticed that a little white butterfly had stuck to our windscreen wipers and stayed there until we arrived at the doctors.
I did ask my little princess to stay by my side. She definately got herself seen.
When I got into the doctor's office I was SO scared. I thought my head was going to explode. It was pounding so hard. I was SO nervous I thought I was going to cry. Hubby was always there..... but I think I passed my anxiety on to him.
It was our turn.
Doc told me to get ready for an internal scan. I got ready.... got on the bed. I didn't look at the monitor where baby would have been. I turned my head and thought to wait till doc said here's the heartbeat. He saw me with my head turned and said "don't you want to look?" I replyed "as soon as you let me hear the heartbeat then I'll turn!". "The baby is fine.... it's moving so it's heart is beating!" I turned to look at it..... and there it was. A little funny thing on the monitor.... moving around. It had its arms up near its head. Just perfect!!!! I fell in love and funnily enough I didnt even feel guilty about it. Then again.... what is there to feel guilty about? I have 4 children now. My two boys here on earth. My baby girl on the sky and Minu in my belly!
When my second son was about to be born I felt so guilty for my first. I kept thinking of how he was going to feel left out.... of having to divide my love. When my second son was actually born the love I felt for him was unique.... different from the love I felt for the second son. I then came up with a conclusion. When a new baby starts to grow inside your bump a new heart starts to grow too. I now have four hearts.... no one..... is left out..... nothing is divided!
Doc said that overall everything was going well.
He was pleased with me not gaining weight. He said he didn't want me gain just too much beause then he would have to up the heparin intake.
He wants hubby to do blood work to see if he has any trombophilia in his blood too. If so then we need to keep a closer eye on the baby.
I will be seeing him in 4 weeks time.
I came out of the docs office smiling from ear to ear..... I got to see my baby with a beating heart! It was amazing!
When we got home we told our family. Everyone was very happy. My boys don't know so we told them to keep it a secret. Their first thoughts were for my baby girl. Everyone had the same thought. "If you would have had heparin maybe our little baby girl would be with us today!". I always think of that. I keep thinking of how my ex doc was negligent and quite ignorant.
Thursday 12 June 2014
Ok I've phoned for an appointment
Next Wednesday I'll be in the docs office.
I am really dreading it. What if he says Minu's heart has stopped beating?
Well yeah I know what's actually going to happen if that does happen.... I'm just dreading the thought.
I've been reading some comments on Pregnancy After Loss Support on facebook. It's helpful and interesting.
I was reading today the answers to the question: when did you tell others about the baby rainbow? There isn't a right answer as you know. I was glad to read that some had actually told everyone after the birth. That's what I'ld like to do. I don't know if it's possibile because I live in a very small town and it's quite a "nosy" comunity...... I don't know. I hope mainly to avoid the congratulations and the silly baby questions from people that have no idea what to say when your reply to every question would be.... I just hope it's alive and screaming.
It's not that I don't want to celebrate the baby's life. I will.... am (in a strange way)..... but I just want to protect this little life and celebrate THE life. Not all the stupid stuff that goes with having babies.
Preparing billions of baby clothes it will grow out of in the first few weeks. Getting everything ready for it's arrival. I mean.... material things. I was 100% organized for all three of my babies arrival. Maybe too much. Leaving DH loads of lists of the things he had to do after the birth.... and coming home day. To be honest this time round I couldn't careless if this baby doesn't have anything to go home in.... I'll carry it in my arms. Tightly. Maybe even close my eyes and immagine it's my baby girl I should have been carrying home three years before.
I don't care if I have to wash the same three or four outfits I'll buy Minu. It's not about the money..... it's about wanting to celebrate Minu's life. The arrival. The real meaning of holding a miracle in your arms and carrying it in you for 9 months. That's what I want. I don't want pink or blue invading my wardrobes. I want natural rainbow colours beaming from my baby's OPEN eyes, it's BEATING heart and it's CRY.
I am really dreading it. What if he says Minu's heart has stopped beating?
Well yeah I know what's actually going to happen if that does happen.... I'm just dreading the thought.
I've been reading some comments on Pregnancy After Loss Support on facebook. It's helpful and interesting.
I was reading today the answers to the question: when did you tell others about the baby rainbow? There isn't a right answer as you know. I was glad to read that some had actually told everyone after the birth. That's what I'ld like to do. I don't know if it's possibile because I live in a very small town and it's quite a "nosy" comunity...... I don't know. I hope mainly to avoid the congratulations and the silly baby questions from people that have no idea what to say when your reply to every question would be.... I just hope it's alive and screaming.
It's not that I don't want to celebrate the baby's life. I will.... am (in a strange way)..... but I just want to protect this little life and celebrate THE life. Not all the stupid stuff that goes with having babies.
Preparing billions of baby clothes it will grow out of in the first few weeks. Getting everything ready for it's arrival. I mean.... material things. I was 100% organized for all three of my babies arrival. Maybe too much. Leaving DH loads of lists of the things he had to do after the birth.... and coming home day. To be honest this time round I couldn't careless if this baby doesn't have anything to go home in.... I'll carry it in my arms. Tightly. Maybe even close my eyes and immagine it's my baby girl I should have been carrying home three years before.
I don't care if I have to wash the same three or four outfits I'll buy Minu. It's not about the money..... it's about wanting to celebrate Minu's life. The arrival. The real meaning of holding a miracle in your arms and carrying it in you for 9 months. That's what I want. I don't want pink or blue invading my wardrobes. I want natural rainbow colours beaming from my baby's OPEN eyes, it's BEATING heart and it's CRY.
Sunday 1 June 2014
thoughts run wild
I don't know if I'm the one who does this.... but I often lay in my bed.... just before going to sleep.... or just after I wake up and start day dreaming about things. Anything. Like a little film going on in my head and I'm the managing director who immagines the scenes and the words.
I've always day dreamed and immagined how the birth of my children would be. The running to the hospital.... the pain.... pushing....meeting them for the first time.... seeing them all clean and dressed, introducing them to the rest of the family and going home and seeing friends.
I've had the same day dream for all three of my children. The most important part is pretending to keep them tight in your arms straight after birth. Kissing them and loving them.
Thing is...... I now know of a different reality. It's not all smiles and happiness. All of you babyloss mums know what I'm talking about.
This time I've not day dreamed.... because I guess you do that when it's something nice. I've.... daymered. I actually went through what could happen if it were to happen again. The pain. Things I didn't do the first time round and will hopefully think about doing this time. Take the picture I never took the first time, do foot prints and handprints that I didn't to the first time and stay with the baby as long as I possibily can without leaving it's side till it's time to close tight that little white coffin's lid.
I cried so much.... just as though it was really happening again.
Today has been a very negative day. But maybe it's not me being morbid.... maybe it's me just being realistic.
I've always day dreamed and immagined how the birth of my children would be. The running to the hospital.... the pain.... pushing....meeting them for the first time.... seeing them all clean and dressed, introducing them to the rest of the family and going home and seeing friends.
I've had the same day dream for all three of my children. The most important part is pretending to keep them tight in your arms straight after birth. Kissing them and loving them.
Thing is...... I now know of a different reality. It's not all smiles and happiness. All of you babyloss mums know what I'm talking about.
This time I've not day dreamed.... because I guess you do that when it's something nice. I've.... daymered. I actually went through what could happen if it were to happen again. The pain. Things I didn't do the first time round and will hopefully think about doing this time. Take the picture I never took the first time, do foot prints and handprints that I didn't to the first time and stay with the baby as long as I possibily can without leaving it's side till it's time to close tight that little white coffin's lid.
I cried so much.... just as though it was really happening again.
Today has been a very negative day. But maybe it's not me being morbid.... maybe it's me just being realistic.
Tuesday 27 May 2014
Second docs appointment....
I don't want to make another appointment.
I thought that in another pregnancy after loss I would want a docs appointment and scan nearly every week to make sure everything is ok. Now though..... I don't.
I keep thinking that if I go to the docs ..... he's gonna tell me it's all over and that'll be the end of my dream..... the end of my rainbow.
Am I normal???
I thought that in another pregnancy after loss I would want a docs appointment and scan nearly every week to make sure everything is ok. Now though..... I don't.
I keep thinking that if I go to the docs ..... he's gonna tell me it's all over and that'll be the end of my dream..... the end of my rainbow.
Am I normal???
Sunday 25 May 2014
A sign....
Maybe a stupid one but what happened today took me back to when I was pregnant with my angel baby.
I live in an appartment on the second floor. I have a balcony and when I was pregnant with my little daughter on a very windy day a few glass bottles fell down and smashed to the ground.
Today .... a glass vase did the exact same thing.
My DH went down to clean it up.... but it didn't stop me thinking about what happened then and the same thing's happened now. What if I get the same outcome?
I just wish things could be easier!
I live in an appartment on the second floor. I have a balcony and when I was pregnant with my little daughter on a very windy day a few glass bottles fell down and smashed to the ground.
Today .... a glass vase did the exact same thing.
My DH went down to clean it up.... but it didn't stop me thinking about what happened then and the same thing's happened now. What if I get the same outcome?
I just wish things could be easier!
Saturday 24 May 2014
Paranoia!
I feel sick sick sick! I know it's a
good sign.... but I'd rather do without feeling the need to throw up
and never actually be able to do so!
After my docs. Appointment I have had
time to think. I'm still confused.... but determined.
My Heperin Treatment is a disaster. My
belly is bruised pokadot. I don't seem to be doing something right.
I've tried all different methods. Lying down, sitting, doing it
fast, slow.... it stings like hell and bruises like a bugger!
Anyway. As long as the stuff is getting into my system and doing
what it should be I suppose I'm getting there.
I should be 8 weeks today. That's 2
months gone and 7 to go.
Want a list of all the stinking
thinking I've been doing in these few weeks?
- Ok.... the inevitable.... the baby has stopped growing and next docs. appointment he'll be telling me that it's all finished.
- That the heparin is making my blood so liquid that I'll probably hemorrage and die.
- That the date of my menstrual cycle is coming up and I'll probably start to bleed and everything will have stopped.
- That one day doing these heparin shots I'll probably get the baby and then it'll die.
Can't remember other's right now but I
think these are definately enough for now.
I told my mum the other week. She was
quite surprised. She said she thought I wouldn't have anymore after
the loss. She then told me to be carefull. I told her not to tell
anyone and keep it a big secret.
Today I was feeling like throwing up so
hubby called her to come over and maybe help with the boys. She
wanted to know how I was feeling and what they had said at the docs.
I said I was fine and didn't want to talk about it. I feel as though
if I forget it's there it will get me through it.
I don't want anyone I know knowing. I
want to protect my little baby from anyone thinking bad things about
it or about me. I want to live this pregnancy without anyone knowing
about it.
I will eventually start to show and I'm
quite happy to stay at home and not see anyone but my family until
baby is born. I know... I can't!
Saturday 10 May 2014
1st doctors appointment.
We went for our first doctors appiontment with hope and a little excitement. We came out all but excited and hopeful.
When I lost my daughter I had blood work done on myself to see if there was anything that could have led to my baby's death. Unfortunately the blood work wasn't adviced by my old doctor but by a doctor specialized in Pregnancys at risk.
So I did the blood work, wrote the doctor the results and she told me that by my results my baby had died because of trombophilia and she adviced me to go to a doc that specialized in pregnancies at risk. I didn't go thinking that it wasn't necessary at that time.
When I went into the doctor's office I knew I had picked the right doctor. It was my turn to see him and I was worried but excited.
We went in and I told him a little bit about my pregnancy history. I told him about my loss. I then handed him the blood work results. At this point the doctor became quite serious. He said that my LAC Lupus anticoagulant was too high. Effects of LAC in pregnancy is baby loss. LAC's affects on the mother is that she may suffer from a heart attack and stroke.
The doctor said that most blood work results on LAC arent always accurate, so there maybe a mistake the only thing is the test has to be reconfirmed when I'm not pregnant or at least three months after a pregnancy. That is impossibile now as you all know.
He said I should have gone to see him before the pregnancy. He's definately right. I should have. I feel like an irresponsable mother. But I also thought that.... maybe this is the way it should have gone because I know full well that if I had gone before a pregnancy I don't think we would ever have tried for another baby.
So the doctor has given me Heparin treatment. I have to have an injection everyday.
I did an internal scan. We saw the uterine gestational chamber. I'm only 5 or 6 weeks so it's too early to see a heartbeat. I'm also having HCG blood work done to see if the pregnancy is going well.
Well that's about it on my update.
all very confusing to me. I never did think a new pregnancy after a loss would be easy..... I didn't think it would be this bad though.
When I lost my daughter I had blood work done on myself to see if there was anything that could have led to my baby's death. Unfortunately the blood work wasn't adviced by my old doctor but by a doctor specialized in Pregnancys at risk.
So I did the blood work, wrote the doctor the results and she told me that by my results my baby had died because of trombophilia and she adviced me to go to a doc that specialized in pregnancies at risk. I didn't go thinking that it wasn't necessary at that time.
When I went into the doctor's office I knew I had picked the right doctor. It was my turn to see him and I was worried but excited.
We went in and I told him a little bit about my pregnancy history. I told him about my loss. I then handed him the blood work results. At this point the doctor became quite serious. He said that my LAC Lupus anticoagulant was too high. Effects of LAC in pregnancy is baby loss. LAC's affects on the mother is that she may suffer from a heart attack and stroke.
The doctor said that most blood work results on LAC arent always accurate, so there maybe a mistake the only thing is the test has to be reconfirmed when I'm not pregnant or at least three months after a pregnancy. That is impossibile now as you all know.
He said I should have gone to see him before the pregnancy. He's definately right. I should have. I feel like an irresponsable mother. But I also thought that.... maybe this is the way it should have gone because I know full well that if I had gone before a pregnancy I don't think we would ever have tried for another baby.
So the doctor has given me Heparin treatment. I have to have an injection everyday.
I did an internal scan. We saw the uterine gestational chamber. I'm only 5 or 6 weeks so it's too early to see a heartbeat. I'm also having HCG blood work done to see if the pregnancy is going well.
Well that's about it on my update.
all very confusing to me. I never did think a new pregnancy after a loss would be easy..... I didn't think it would be this bad though.
Saturday 3 May 2014
First ever post
I did a home pregnancy test today. Result : Positive!
So this is it. I'm so scared.
Scared this dream will turn into a nightmare. Scared that my rainbow will turn into another storm.
I gave little "minu" a pep talk. "If you're here it's for keeps!" Do you think he's going to listen to me?
A lot of thoughts came into my head today. Am I going to die? How am I going to cope? Am I normal?
Is it normal to have these thoughts?
I have my first docs. appointment with my new doc. on wednesday. Fingers crossed that will go good.
I read Franchesca Cox's Mantra today..... it says ..... " I deserve this. It's okay to dream, It's okay to hope. Pregnancy will be and can be beautiful - for as many days that will be" I hope Franchesca won't mind me copying her mantra.
I hope to take each day as it comes.
I warn you this is going to be a blog full of anxious thoughts and of me being paranoid.
So this is it. I'm so scared.
Scared this dream will turn into a nightmare. Scared that my rainbow will turn into another storm.
I gave little "minu" a pep talk. "If you're here it's for keeps!" Do you think he's going to listen to me?
A lot of thoughts came into my head today. Am I going to die? How am I going to cope? Am I normal?
Is it normal to have these thoughts?
I have my first docs. appointment with my new doc. on wednesday. Fingers crossed that will go good.
I read Franchesca Cox's Mantra today..... it says ..... " I deserve this. It's okay to dream, It's okay to hope. Pregnancy will be and can be beautiful - for as many days that will be" I hope Franchesca won't mind me copying her mantra.
I hope to take each day as it comes.
I warn you this is going to be a blog full of anxious thoughts and of me being paranoid.
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