21 weeks....

.... well just over 21 weeks.  I'm a little late with the update.

Well not much has happened this week.

I eventually did tell my neighbours.  I sent them a text message.  Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant.  I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.

They actually understood.  They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.

Thank God!!!!

A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary.  She didn't say anything to me.  She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant.  They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies.  Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately.  But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her?  I mean what's the big deal if I am?  She isn't going to have to spend money on it.  She isn't the one giving birth to it.  If people know what difference does it make anyway???

Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday.  Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me.  She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump!  I was furious!!!!!!!  I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly.  How dare she!

That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions.  It was actually wind and an upset stomach.  But I think she did contribute it all.

Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook.  I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome.  Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows.  I lost my baby at 36 weeks.  My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man.   The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.

I don't know if I can explain.  If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?

What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

They're still here!  They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.

Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!   Come soon I want to see my alive baby!

20 weeks.....

Half way!

Another 20 weeks (God willing) and it will be over!

I went for my fetal ecocardio scan.  It all went well.  We were in the hospital where I think I will be giving birth.  When we waked in there were a load of bumps waiting to do the same scan.  We were near the neonatal unit.

Seeing the tiniest of twins go passed us in an incubator was quite scary.

Seeing parents going into the neonatal unit with sad faces was heartbreaking.

Seeing two mothers coming out on the neonatal unit with their babies with a great big smile that went from ear to ear was comforting.


Seeing parents coming in for their weekly check up with their tiny little sleepy bundles was hopeful. I found myself thinking..... will I be one of these mothers?  Will I at least have the tiniest bit of hope that this little baby boy that is kicking around inside will actually come home with me.  Or will I be going out of that hospital with empty arms..... yet again?

It was then my turn.

There he was.  His tiny heart was beating away.  He kept wriggling away from the sonogram and the doc. said he was a crafty little chappie!

I have started crocheting a blanket.  A rainbow coloured one.  Maybe I shouldn't.  But then I thought.... "oh well..... if he doesn't get wrapped up in his blanket I can always put it in his memory box!".  Morbid? Well yeah maybe..... but that's how it is when you're PAL (Pregnant After Loss).

People seem to be noticing my bump more...... and I have sort of exploded!  My bump is definately not hideable anymore.

My friends.... who are also my neighbours keep asking hubby where I am and why don't I go round to see them anymore.  I really don't know what to do.  Do I come out into the open and be bombarded with all the STUPID questions and IGNORANT comments?  do I carry on hiding in my house?  It's not easy living in such a close net comunity where everyone knows everyone.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 weeks...

Here I am for my 19 week update!

We went to our doc appointment on Wednesday.  We had our anatomy scan.  Everything is in the right place.  Things seem to be looking good.

Just one thing wasn't right and upset me quite a bit.  I have a fribroid just underneath my placenta causing it to lift in the middle.  Doc said to not do any heavy lifting.  He said he wasn't that worried about it because it is quite small.  3 cm.  There could be a risk that it might get bigger as the pregnancy hormone could cause it to get bigger.... at the moment he wants to keep it under control and check babies growth because he doesn't want this fibroid obstracting the nutrients going to the baby.

The baby is 150% a boy!

I can feel him move now.  :D  I love feeling him move around.  If I get scared.... I get my doppler out and then calm down when I hear the heart beat.

We told our boys that they are going to have a little brother or sister.  I don't want to tell them the gender.  I want it to be a surpise for them.  They seemed to be very happy about it.  They understand us not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time.  My eldest actually said "when it's born I'll help buy clothes and things it needs"!.

We have a fetal cardio scan in a few days.  Fingers crossed things are going to go well with that too.

I may just be going mad!

I asked hubby if he would let me use the doppler on him.  He was VERY reluctant at first ..... when I explained that I wanted to hear the difference between an unpregnant person and someone that's pregnant.  There was a big difference.  :D  I didn't think it would be that different.  :D

Funny that only after trying it on my hubby I was convinced that the doppler actually works!