I reply... the 4th.
I usually get someone look at me big eyed and then they ask.... how many children do you have at home..... and then I feel like dying.
I say two....and then they always say.... did you have an abortion? No.... I lost my daughter at 36 weeks. They then give me the horrid look af pity, say I'm sorry then carry on in their work.
Oh and I love the question: when was the date of your last period? I jump with joy inside! My last period date is actually my angel's birthday!
Saturday 28 June 2014
Thursday 26 June 2014
Nuchal traslucency and nose bone
Both perfect!!!!
I saw the baby again yesterday!
As always I sart off being really scared and thinking that they're gonna say something terrible and that my pregnancy will end there on that bed the way it did three years ago.
Yesterday was a refreshing and HOPEful day! We got to see our baby .... his perfect little profile, his strong beating heart, his little hands over his face.....
The Doc said that we got to see quite alot of things considering I'm 12+6
She measured baby's nuchal traslucency three times and everytime she said it was perfect hubby and I squeezed our hands a little tighter. We held hands through the whole scan. I really needed hubbies support and he is always at arms length for me to hold on to!
I have only recently been introduced to what is called The Nub Theory. I'm getting quite a culture on what a boy's nub should look like and what a girl's should look like. Then I look at Minu's DVD and get confused. It's not that it's important. I love the baby to bits already. It's gender will make no difference.
I won't deny that I would have liked to have had the experience of raising a girl. Not being a mum to one.... because I already am a mum to a little girl!
Another boy would mean..... triple the boy love I get! it would mean more cars .... or animals.... or dino's.... even footballs. It would mean that I will have the honour of having another big pair of eyes look at me everyday as though I'm some kind of beauty queen even when I'm feeling under the weather and look like a lorry has hit me.
Another girl would mean..... PINK! it would mean that her sister can lend her some of her baby clothes. It means princesses and dolls. It means shopping! It means that I, and the rest of the family will have a whole new experience in raising a delicate little girl. It means big brown eyes will look at her daddy thinking he is her prince charming and she'll wrap him round her little finger and he'll love her all the more for it.
I won't tell you all what the doc said it was...... I'll tell you after the doc
as I said... in the end....I just want a screaming baby... alive and kicking.
I saw the baby again yesterday!
As always I sart off being really scared and thinking that they're gonna say something terrible and that my pregnancy will end there on that bed the way it did three years ago.
Yesterday was a refreshing and HOPEful day! We got to see our baby .... his perfect little profile, his strong beating heart, his little hands over his face.....
The Doc said that we got to see quite alot of things considering I'm 12+6
She measured baby's nuchal traslucency three times and everytime she said it was perfect hubby and I squeezed our hands a little tighter. We held hands through the whole scan. I really needed hubbies support and he is always at arms length for me to hold on to!
I have only recently been introduced to what is called The Nub Theory. I'm getting quite a culture on what a boy's nub should look like and what a girl's should look like. Then I look at Minu's DVD and get confused. It's not that it's important. I love the baby to bits already. It's gender will make no difference.
I won't deny that I would have liked to have had the experience of raising a girl. Not being a mum to one.... because I already am a mum to a little girl!
Another boy would mean..... triple the boy love I get! it would mean more cars .... or animals.... or dino's.... even footballs. It would mean that I will have the honour of having another big pair of eyes look at me everyday as though I'm some kind of beauty queen even when I'm feeling under the weather and look like a lorry has hit me.
Another girl would mean..... PINK! it would mean that her sister can lend her some of her baby clothes. It means princesses and dolls. It means shopping! It means that I, and the rest of the family will have a whole new experience in raising a delicate little girl. It means big brown eyes will look at her daddy thinking he is her prince charming and she'll wrap him round her little finger and he'll love her all the more for it.
I won't tell you all what the doc said it was...... I'll tell you after the doc
as I said... in the end....I just want a screaming baby... alive and kicking.
Thursday 19 June 2014
12 weeks!
Well 11 and 4 days according to the measurements! :D
Went to the doctor's appointment yesterday.
Whilst we were going there I noticed that a little white butterfly had stuck to our windscreen wipers and stayed there until we arrived at the doctors.
I did ask my little princess to stay by my side. She definately got herself seen.
When I got into the doctor's office I was SO scared. I thought my head was going to explode. It was pounding so hard. I was SO nervous I thought I was going to cry. Hubby was always there..... but I think I passed my anxiety on to him.
It was our turn.
Doc told me to get ready for an internal scan. I got ready.... got on the bed. I didn't look at the monitor where baby would have been. I turned my head and thought to wait till doc said here's the heartbeat. He saw me with my head turned and said "don't you want to look?" I replyed "as soon as you let me hear the heartbeat then I'll turn!". "The baby is fine.... it's moving so it's heart is beating!" I turned to look at it..... and there it was. A little funny thing on the monitor.... moving around. It had its arms up near its head. Just perfect!!!! I fell in love and funnily enough I didnt even feel guilty about it. Then again.... what is there to feel guilty about? I have 4 children now. My two boys here on earth. My baby girl on the sky and Minu in my belly!
When my second son was about to be born I felt so guilty for my first. I kept thinking of how he was going to feel left out.... of having to divide my love. When my second son was actually born the love I felt for him was unique.... different from the love I felt for the second son. I then came up with a conclusion. When a new baby starts to grow inside your bump a new heart starts to grow too. I now have four hearts.... no one..... is left out..... nothing is divided!
Doc said that overall everything was going well.
He was pleased with me not gaining weight. He said he didn't want me gain just too much beause then he would have to up the heparin intake.
He wants hubby to do blood work to see if he has any trombophilia in his blood too. If so then we need to keep a closer eye on the baby.
I will be seeing him in 4 weeks time.
I came out of the docs office smiling from ear to ear..... I got to see my baby with a beating heart! It was amazing!
When we got home we told our family. Everyone was very happy. My boys don't know so we told them to keep it a secret. Their first thoughts were for my baby girl. Everyone had the same thought. "If you would have had heparin maybe our little baby girl would be with us today!". I always think of that. I keep thinking of how my ex doc was negligent and quite ignorant.
Went to the doctor's appointment yesterday.
Whilst we were going there I noticed that a little white butterfly had stuck to our windscreen wipers and stayed there until we arrived at the doctors.
I did ask my little princess to stay by my side. She definately got herself seen.
When I got into the doctor's office I was SO scared. I thought my head was going to explode. It was pounding so hard. I was SO nervous I thought I was going to cry. Hubby was always there..... but I think I passed my anxiety on to him.
It was our turn.
Doc told me to get ready for an internal scan. I got ready.... got on the bed. I didn't look at the monitor where baby would have been. I turned my head and thought to wait till doc said here's the heartbeat. He saw me with my head turned and said "don't you want to look?" I replyed "as soon as you let me hear the heartbeat then I'll turn!". "The baby is fine.... it's moving so it's heart is beating!" I turned to look at it..... and there it was. A little funny thing on the monitor.... moving around. It had its arms up near its head. Just perfect!!!! I fell in love and funnily enough I didnt even feel guilty about it. Then again.... what is there to feel guilty about? I have 4 children now. My two boys here on earth. My baby girl on the sky and Minu in my belly!
When my second son was about to be born I felt so guilty for my first. I kept thinking of how he was going to feel left out.... of having to divide my love. When my second son was actually born the love I felt for him was unique.... different from the love I felt for the second son. I then came up with a conclusion. When a new baby starts to grow inside your bump a new heart starts to grow too. I now have four hearts.... no one..... is left out..... nothing is divided!
Doc said that overall everything was going well.
He was pleased with me not gaining weight. He said he didn't want me gain just too much beause then he would have to up the heparin intake.
He wants hubby to do blood work to see if he has any trombophilia in his blood too. If so then we need to keep a closer eye on the baby.
I will be seeing him in 4 weeks time.
I came out of the docs office smiling from ear to ear..... I got to see my baby with a beating heart! It was amazing!
When we got home we told our family. Everyone was very happy. My boys don't know so we told them to keep it a secret. Their first thoughts were for my baby girl. Everyone had the same thought. "If you would have had heparin maybe our little baby girl would be with us today!". I always think of that. I keep thinking of how my ex doc was negligent and quite ignorant.
Thursday 12 June 2014
Ok I've phoned for an appointment
Next Wednesday I'll be in the docs office.
I am really dreading it. What if he says Minu's heart has stopped beating?
Well yeah I know what's actually going to happen if that does happen.... I'm just dreading the thought.
I've been reading some comments on Pregnancy After Loss Support on facebook. It's helpful and interesting.
I was reading today the answers to the question: when did you tell others about the baby rainbow? There isn't a right answer as you know. I was glad to read that some had actually told everyone after the birth. That's what I'ld like to do. I don't know if it's possibile because I live in a very small town and it's quite a "nosy" comunity...... I don't know. I hope mainly to avoid the congratulations and the silly baby questions from people that have no idea what to say when your reply to every question would be.... I just hope it's alive and screaming.
It's not that I don't want to celebrate the baby's life. I will.... am (in a strange way)..... but I just want to protect this little life and celebrate THE life. Not all the stupid stuff that goes with having babies.
Preparing billions of baby clothes it will grow out of in the first few weeks. Getting everything ready for it's arrival. I mean.... material things. I was 100% organized for all three of my babies arrival. Maybe too much. Leaving DH loads of lists of the things he had to do after the birth.... and coming home day. To be honest this time round I couldn't careless if this baby doesn't have anything to go home in.... I'll carry it in my arms. Tightly. Maybe even close my eyes and immagine it's my baby girl I should have been carrying home three years before.
I don't care if I have to wash the same three or four outfits I'll buy Minu. It's not about the money..... it's about wanting to celebrate Minu's life. The arrival. The real meaning of holding a miracle in your arms and carrying it in you for 9 months. That's what I want. I don't want pink or blue invading my wardrobes. I want natural rainbow colours beaming from my baby's OPEN eyes, it's BEATING heart and it's CRY.
I am really dreading it. What if he says Minu's heart has stopped beating?
Well yeah I know what's actually going to happen if that does happen.... I'm just dreading the thought.
I've been reading some comments on Pregnancy After Loss Support on facebook. It's helpful and interesting.
I was reading today the answers to the question: when did you tell others about the baby rainbow? There isn't a right answer as you know. I was glad to read that some had actually told everyone after the birth. That's what I'ld like to do. I don't know if it's possibile because I live in a very small town and it's quite a "nosy" comunity...... I don't know. I hope mainly to avoid the congratulations and the silly baby questions from people that have no idea what to say when your reply to every question would be.... I just hope it's alive and screaming.
It's not that I don't want to celebrate the baby's life. I will.... am (in a strange way)..... but I just want to protect this little life and celebrate THE life. Not all the stupid stuff that goes with having babies.
Preparing billions of baby clothes it will grow out of in the first few weeks. Getting everything ready for it's arrival. I mean.... material things. I was 100% organized for all three of my babies arrival. Maybe too much. Leaving DH loads of lists of the things he had to do after the birth.... and coming home day. To be honest this time round I couldn't careless if this baby doesn't have anything to go home in.... I'll carry it in my arms. Tightly. Maybe even close my eyes and immagine it's my baby girl I should have been carrying home three years before.
I don't care if I have to wash the same three or four outfits I'll buy Minu. It's not about the money..... it's about wanting to celebrate Minu's life. The arrival. The real meaning of holding a miracle in your arms and carrying it in you for 9 months. That's what I want. I don't want pink or blue invading my wardrobes. I want natural rainbow colours beaming from my baby's OPEN eyes, it's BEATING heart and it's CRY.
Sunday 1 June 2014
thoughts run wild
I don't know if I'm the one who does this.... but I often lay in my bed.... just before going to sleep.... or just after I wake up and start day dreaming about things. Anything. Like a little film going on in my head and I'm the managing director who immagines the scenes and the words.
I've always day dreamed and immagined how the birth of my children would be. The running to the hospital.... the pain.... pushing....meeting them for the first time.... seeing them all clean and dressed, introducing them to the rest of the family and going home and seeing friends.
I've had the same day dream for all three of my children. The most important part is pretending to keep them tight in your arms straight after birth. Kissing them and loving them.
Thing is...... I now know of a different reality. It's not all smiles and happiness. All of you babyloss mums know what I'm talking about.
This time I've not day dreamed.... because I guess you do that when it's something nice. I've.... daymered. I actually went through what could happen if it were to happen again. The pain. Things I didn't do the first time round and will hopefully think about doing this time. Take the picture I never took the first time, do foot prints and handprints that I didn't to the first time and stay with the baby as long as I possibily can without leaving it's side till it's time to close tight that little white coffin's lid.
I cried so much.... just as though it was really happening again.
Today has been a very negative day. But maybe it's not me being morbid.... maybe it's me just being realistic.
I've always day dreamed and immagined how the birth of my children would be. The running to the hospital.... the pain.... pushing....meeting them for the first time.... seeing them all clean and dressed, introducing them to the rest of the family and going home and seeing friends.
I've had the same day dream for all three of my children. The most important part is pretending to keep them tight in your arms straight after birth. Kissing them and loving them.
Thing is...... I now know of a different reality. It's not all smiles and happiness. All of you babyloss mums know what I'm talking about.
This time I've not day dreamed.... because I guess you do that when it's something nice. I've.... daymered. I actually went through what could happen if it were to happen again. The pain. Things I didn't do the first time round and will hopefully think about doing this time. Take the picture I never took the first time, do foot prints and handprints that I didn't to the first time and stay with the baby as long as I possibily can without leaving it's side till it's time to close tight that little white coffin's lid.
I cried so much.... just as though it was really happening again.
Today has been a very negative day. But maybe it's not me being morbid.... maybe it's me just being realistic.
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