Second docs appointment....

I don't want to make another appointment.

I thought that in another pregnancy after loss I would want a docs appointment and scan nearly every week to make sure everything is ok.  Now though..... I don't.

I keep thinking that if I go to the docs ..... he's gonna tell me it's all over and that'll be the end of my dream..... the end of my rainbow.

Am I normal???

A sign....

Maybe a stupid one but what happened today took me back to when I was pregnant with my angel baby.

I live in an appartment on the second floor.  I have a balcony and when I was pregnant with my little daughter on a very windy day a few glass bottles fell down and smashed to the ground.

Today .... a glass vase did the exact same thing.

My DH went down to clean it up.... but it didn't stop me thinking about what happened then and the same thing's happened now.  What if I get the same outcome?

I just wish things could be easier!

Paranoia!

I feel sick sick sick! I know it's a good sign.... but I'd rather do without feeling the need to throw up and never actually be able to do so!

After my docs. Appointment I have had time to think. I'm still confused.... but determined.

My Heperin Treatment is a disaster. My belly is bruised pokadot. I don't seem to be doing something right. I've tried all different methods. Lying down, sitting, doing it fast, slow.... it stings like hell and bruises like a bugger! Anyway. As long as the stuff is getting into my system and doing what it should be I suppose I'm getting there.

I should be 8 weeks today. That's 2 months gone and 7 to go.

Want a list of all the stinking thinking I've been doing in these few weeks?

• Ok.... the inevitable.... the baby has stopped growing and next docs. appointment he'll be telling me that it's all finished.
• That the heparin is making my blood so liquid that I'll probably hemorrage and die.
• That the date of my menstrual cycle is coming up and I'll probably start to bleed and everything will have stopped.
• That one day doing these heparin shots I'll probably get the baby and then it'll die.

Can't remember other's right now but I think these are definately enough for now.

I told my mum the other week. She was quite surprised. She said she thought I wouldn't have anymore after the loss. She then told me to be carefull. I told her not to tell anyone and keep it a big secret.

Today I was feeling like throwing up so hubby called her to come over and maybe help with the boys. She wanted to know how I was feeling and what they had said at the docs. I said I was fine and didn't want to talk about it. I feel as though if I forget it's there it will get me through it.

I don't want anyone I know knowing. I want to protect my little baby from anyone thinking bad things about it or about me. I want to live this pregnancy without anyone knowing about it.

I will eventually start to show and I'm quite happy to stay at home and not see anyone but my family until baby is born. I know... I can't!

1st doctors appointment.

We went for our first doctors appiontment with hope and a little excitement.  We came out all but excited and hopeful.

When I lost my daughter I had blood work done on myself to see if there was anything that could have led to my baby's death.  Unfortunately the blood work wasn't adviced by my old doctor but by a doctor specialized in Pregnancys at risk.

So I did the blood work, wrote the doctor the results and she told me that by my results my baby had died because of trombophilia and she adviced me to go to a doc that specialized in pregnancies at risk.  I didn't go thinking that it wasn't necessary at that time.

When I went into the doctor's office I knew I had picked the right doctor.  It was my turn to see him and I was worried but excited.

We went in and I told him a little bit about my pregnancy history.  I told him about my loss.  I then handed him the blood work results.  At this point the doctor became quite serious.  He said that my LAC Lupus anticoagulant was too high.  Effects of LAC in pregnancy is baby loss.  LAC's affects on the mother is that she may suffer from a heart attack and stroke.

The doctor said that most blood work results on LAC arent always accurate, so there maybe a mistake the only thing is the test has to be reconfirmed when I'm not pregnant or at least three months after a pregnancy. That is impossibile now as you all know.

He said I should have gone to see him before the pregnancy.  He's definately right.  I should have.  I feel like an irresponsable mother.  But I also thought that.... maybe this is the way it should have gone because I know full well that if I had gone before a pregnancy I don't think we would ever have tried for another baby.

So the doctor has given me Heparin treatment.  I have to have an injection everyday.

I did an internal scan.  We saw the uterine gestational chamber.   I'm only 5 or 6 weeks so it's too early to see a heartbeat.  I'm also having HCG blood work done to see if the pregnancy is going well.  

Well that's about it on my update.  

all very confusing to me.  I never did think a new pregnancy after a loss would be easy..... I didn't think it would be this bad though.

First ever post

I did a home pregnancy test today.  Result : Positive!

So this is it.  I'm so scared.

Scared this dream will turn into a nightmare.  Scared that my rainbow will turn into another storm.

I gave little "minu" a pep talk.  "If you're here it's for keeps!"  Do you think he's going to listen to me?

A lot of thoughts came into my head today.  Am I going to die?  How am I going to cope?  Am I normal?
Is it normal to have these thoughts?

I have my first docs. appointment with my new doc. on wednesday.  Fingers crossed that will go good.

I read Franchesca Cox's Mantra today..... it says ..... " I deserve this. It's okay to dream, It's okay to hope. Pregnancy will be and can be beautiful - for as many days that will be"  I hope Franchesca won't mind me copying her mantra.

I hope to take each day as it comes.

I warn you this is going to be a blog full of anxious thoughts and of me being paranoid.