35 weeks and 5 days.....

Same weeks and days my Baby Angel was born and yesterday I was actually the same weeks and days we found out my Baby Angels heart wasn't beating anymore :(

It's difficult .....

I keep thinking.... ok "is he moving?"  "I've got to be careful because I don't want to not understand if he's moving less and then it's too late".

I'm quite worried about tomorrow.  I pick up my glucose blood tests  Hopefully they wont be as high as last time or the doc will referr me to another doc for diet and insulin shots.  I've tryed extra hard to eat healthily and keep away from sweets and chocolate.  I'm cravying chocolate but determined not to givin!

I'l be having my next check up this week.  My strep swab too.  Hopefully those will go well.  My boys want to come to the docs check up.  We will probably let the doc start the scan and when he hopefully says everything is ok then we'll let the boys in.  We'll have to tell him not to mention that they're going to have a little brother :D

Then ..... IF everything goes well..... I think the time has come to shop for stuff for my hospital bag and something for baby.

My sister in law rang yesterday saying she was off to buy baby's first outfit.  SO I'll have to at least buy another outfit for the second day in hospital.  I don't want to worry hubby and everyone to go and buy things for the baby the day after he's born.

I was thinking about all of this today and saying to myself.  Ok.. it's something I've got to do.  It's something I would normally do in a pregnancy......so why do I feel like I'm running ahead?  I then concluded thinking.... I have to buy stuff for me one way or the other because.... wether he have his eyes open or wether he be sleeping he's still got to come out of there so I'll need a hospital bag.  If I don't use his things I buy then I can always put them in a memory box.

I know.... it's morbid... it's wierd ..... and it's not what an expectant mum would think but it's what I do think and I can't wait to know what the outcome will be.  Will he be in my arms alive? or will he be in my arms just so I can say goodbye?

34 weeks + doc's appointment update

Here we go....


The overall picture is Very good.

Baby has grown.  We got to see his face a little better.  He seems to look like our first born.

Liquid is fine, His wieght has gone up.  His measurements are as they should be for 34 weeks.  Placenta is young and in a good position.

Now onto the not so good notes.

My blood sugar levels went up slightly.  He wasn't pleased about that.  I have been going a bit over the top with sweets ans chocolates from my negative glucose tests..... maybe just a little bit too much.  I have also gained a little bit too much weight.

So I'm back on my fruit and vegtables diet.  Not having any sweets or chocolate even though I crave them SO bad!

I'm going to redo my blood work to see if the sugar levels go down.  Hopefully they will after a good week of dieting.

doc has told me o stop taking my aspirin tablet.  Hopefully that will be ok.

They gave me a hospital list.  I went to the supermarket afterwards .... I just couldn't bring myself to buy anything on that list.  I just kept picking up stuff and putting it bak down again.

Maybe after my 36 week mark I'll be slightly more open to buying stuff,  I'll have to be!!!!

32 + 33 weeks......

I must confess that I was quite sure that I was still 32 weeks when I was actually 33.  I lost count.  I don't know if that was maybe my subconsious WANTING to delay everything.... When I did eventually understand I was 33 weeks I started to get into panic mode.

I'm near my 35+5 mark.  The week and days I lost my baby and I am terrified of losing this little one too.

I've always had this sort of gut feeling that when everything seems to go really well.....then there it is round the corner..... that giant slap in the face that says "That will teach you for being happy!"

It really worries me that something is going to go terribly wrong and we'll all end up in tears.

My docs visit is this week.  I'm scared about that too.... about him saying that my little man hasn't grown from last time.

Without deliberatley doing so I have read a few loss stories on the internet.... everytime I do I start to imagine myself in their shoes and in those situations with risks and illnesses that it frightens me.

On a positive note a friend came round.  She kissed my baby bump and I surprisingly didnt feel fustrated by it.  It was a loving kiss... and she had the most caring smile. It made me happy to share my bump with her and talk a while.

I'm still not going out and making myself be seen.  I get phone calls. asking me about birthday parties and kids activities.  I suppose that's just normal with two children that go to school.  I feel really bad having to make excuses and telling lies as to why I can't go and buy the birthday present this time round..... because "I'm working".  Hopefully everyone will forgive me when they actually find out the reason for my not being around and not partecipating in my boy's activities.

I still haven't sorted out my accomodation near the hospital.  Hope to do that when I got to docs appointment this week.

My little man is still moving THANK GOD!  He makes me smile.  I'm still counting the kicks but in a rather less anxious way.  I read a blog post on the PAL website and coundn't agree more with this PAL mum.   I'll link the article here.  I had read sevral artiles on counting the kicks,  Too little ,,,, then too many,  I was getting quite confused.  I'm glad this PAL mum wrote this vìblog post and calmed my nerves.


Next update after docs appointment.  All fingers crossed...... and if anyone still prays......they will come in handy too.

30 and 31 weeks....

I had my docs appointment last week.

Everything went well.  Doc said that baby is growing well.  It's about the same weight now at birth as my angel baby so he wants to monitor me a little more because my angel baby obviously stopped growing around 31 or 32 weeks.

Symptoms I am having at the moment .... is bad heartburn.

I'm putting on just a bit too much weight!!!!

I bumped into a friend in a shop the other day.  She stopped looked at me and was gobsmacked!

She said that someone had asked her if she knew if I were pregnant or not.  She said she didn't know and didn't want to know and that if I am then I may well have my reasons not to tell anyone.

I hope that's the truth.....

I told another friend and she phoned me yesterday saying that seen as though I keep my angel baby alive remembering her and organizing babyloss events and stuff that it's her way of wanting to thank me and wanting to make me happy by giving me another baby.

I was really touched by her words.

I don't know if my angel baby really thinks this of me.... and I don't know how the outcome will be.  I'm in God's hands and he will do as he wishes.  I hope to have my screaming baby here alive a well.... I hope to be well too.

Now the fact that I am also at risk has started to kick in even more.  I keep thinking about my boys.... I know they will be well looked after..... but.... I'll miss them like crazy if anything happens.  I hope God's will ... will be kind to all of us and just like all good films and books we can live happily ever after.

I took a very brave step yesterday too.  I looked at all of my angels clothes to see if there was anything she could lend her brother.  There were some things that were nutural and I think I will use.  I won't actually get them ready or wash them or anything untill I get past my 36 week mark.  I know anything can happen after too.... but I really have to wait till that date for anything.

I was looking were to stay closer to the hospital.  There is a sort of B&B nearby but it will cost a bomb for just two weeks.  Since I don't really know when the birth is going to be I was thinking about renting furnished appartment or house for about a month.  It cost much less and I can at least cook and wash my clothes.  Another advantage is that we can have the boys and my parents stay without added charge as we would have in a B&B if we were to stay in a four bed room.

I've started looking for accomodation because ..... well.... one way or another... this baby has to be born.  I might aswell get that sorted at least.

See you next week,..... or the week after for another update.