I didn't have much to write for last weeks update.....
I don't really have much to write for this weeks apart from the fact that I'm growing :D
I feel baby move constantly and I'm so greatful! I never thought I would bond with it much after the loss of my angel..... but I am.... and I'm so in love with him just as I am in love with his ohter three sibblings.
We had a bit of a scare the other day.... not a pregnancy related one.... but a house related one. I woke up andd saw the most odd looking object under my kitchen counter. It looked to me as if it were mouse droppings. I looked closely and saw more :( oh NO!!!!!!!!!
I called hubby, He called an expert and someone to come and clean and disinfect our kitchen. I unfortunately can get everything clean what with doc saying I can't do a lot with the fybroid.
Anyway... turned out they weren't mouse droppings but some sort of insect larva. HURRAY!!!!!!
The lady that had come to clean the kitchen from cieling to floor anyway ... cos it need it!!!!! why am I telling you all of this? what does this have to do with my pregnancy after loss? well.... actually it does a bit.
In my kitchen I have a little corner dedicated to my angel baby. We have a little clay tag with her name on it and a few little plants. Well As I was putting away stuff in my kitchen drawers. I caught this lady that had made the clay name piece fall.... grab something and throw it away. When I eventually looked to see what had happened she had broken half a letter and threw it away! I was SO angry!!!!
I didn't confront her about it. I would have probably have been so nasty towards her. I just thought "ok baby keep me calm and help me ignore it!".
:(
I will need more help before baby is born around the house.... but I'll be damned if I'll ever call her again!
Sunday, 21 September 2014
Saturday, 6 September 2014
23 weeks......
Went for my docs appointment.
Baby is doing fine. He's measuring and weighing fine.
Still had a bit of trouble in the toilet department. Still got constipation! Well lets just say I had, because I am now taking pysillum gel everyday (well from yesterday) and it seems to have sorted it out.
Doc has given me iron tablets. They've always given me bad constipation with my other pregnancies. It's a good job I'm taking the pysillum.
I've gained 7 pounds since the begining of the pregnancy. I'm not allowed to put on much more. Maybe 3 pounds then I have to up my heparin dose. I hope not because I won't feel happy having to do that.
On the nosey people front..... well.... people are talking..... they even know how far along I am!!!!!!! I'm actually gobsmacked at that. HOw the hell do they know that and are convinced it's the truth!!!!!! I'm going to have a good look under my bed every night from now on!!!!! Someone else had to be there at the conception to be so convinced they know how far I am!
:)
I'll let them talk......as long as they don't dare to call me or congratulate me on my pregnancy.
Monday, 1 September 2014
22 weeks...
:( had a little visit in A&E
Well I'll tell you it all from the begining.
I went for a vaginal swab one morning. It all went well. Then came home. I felt quite tired. Had a lie down. Went to the toilet. Wiped myself... and there is was..... mucus mixed with a bit of blood. My blood went cold and a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.
I phone my doc. Abroad. ABROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh??????!!!!!
I then think I have to have this checked out. I had no intention of going to the A&E near here. It's the hospital my baby angel was born in. So hubby and I got in the car and an hour and a half later we were in A&E in the hospital I "HOPE" to give birth in. After a two hour wait.... and a screaming new baby born as we were waiting...... we went in and doc gave me a check over. Everything was fine. No blood to be seen. Baby was fine..... (I already knew that though because the first thing I did was use the doppler and heard the heartbeat. He was kicking away too!)
At the end of my scare the doc said that it was probably all to do with the swab that morning and not to worry.
Our journey back home was much more comforting. Smiles had by all. I left my boys at home and they were worried sick when we left them. When we got home they were happy to here the good news.
Changing the subject.... well to be honest I should dedicate it a new post .... but then that would be giving it too much importance.... so I won't.
The day after my scare.... I get a phone call. Someone I hardly ever talk to on the phone. I know this person. I wouldn't actually call her a friend. Anyway the phone call goes like this:
- Heeellloooooooooo
ME- oh hi!
-how are you?
Me: fine thanks
- is what I've heard true?
Me: depends on what you've heard
- have you got a bump?
Me: (...........................)
Me: who told you? I haven't been going out.... I haven't spoken to anyone..... I think anyone would understand that even if it is true, just maybe I don't want to talk about it and I want to live this my way.
- oh ok. As long as your ok.
Me: couldn't be better (sarcastically said).
I just can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I can actually understand who could have let our big secret out. Two, so called friends of ours came to our house to say goodbye as they were going back home after they're holidays. I wasn't expecting them. Anyway.... one of them pointed to my bump and said.... "I'm not that good at observing". I answered if they could please ignore it..... I don't want to talk about it. If someone would have said that to me I would have understood.
What do they do?
They walk out of my house and tell everyone in the bloody village!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok..... I understand.... they are probably happy for us and wanted to tell everyone. I want to scream it out to the whole world but don't!!!!!!!!!! Their Happiness doesn't make mine!
anyway...... I'm sure I'm going to have many other phone calls during this week. News goes round VERY quickly in this village.
Even the phone call is just beyond me. Would you really phone someone to ask if what they heard is true? You know my past story. You know how much I was hurting. If it's true.... then be happy for me without being nosey. If it's not true.... well only time will tell.
Curiosity Killed the Cat!
Well I'll tell you it all from the begining.
I went for a vaginal swab one morning. It all went well. Then came home. I felt quite tired. Had a lie down. Went to the toilet. Wiped myself... and there is was..... mucus mixed with a bit of blood. My blood went cold and a thousand thoughts crossed my mind.
I phone my doc. Abroad. ABROAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh??????!!!!!
I then think I have to have this checked out. I had no intention of going to the A&E near here. It's the hospital my baby angel was born in. So hubby and I got in the car and an hour and a half later we were in A&E in the hospital I "HOPE" to give birth in. After a two hour wait.... and a screaming new baby born as we were waiting...... we went in and doc gave me a check over. Everything was fine. No blood to be seen. Baby was fine..... (I already knew that though because the first thing I did was use the doppler and heard the heartbeat. He was kicking away too!)
At the end of my scare the doc said that it was probably all to do with the swab that morning and not to worry.
Our journey back home was much more comforting. Smiles had by all. I left my boys at home and they were worried sick when we left them. When we got home they were happy to here the good news.
Changing the subject.... well to be honest I should dedicate it a new post .... but then that would be giving it too much importance.... so I won't.
The day after my scare.... I get a phone call. Someone I hardly ever talk to on the phone. I know this person. I wouldn't actually call her a friend. Anyway the phone call goes like this:
- Heeellloooooooooo
ME- oh hi!
-how are you?
Me: fine thanks
- is what I've heard true?
Me: depends on what you've heard
- have you got a bump?
Me: (...........................)
Me: who told you? I haven't been going out.... I haven't spoken to anyone..... I think anyone would understand that even if it is true, just maybe I don't want to talk about it and I want to live this my way.
- oh ok. As long as your ok.
Me: couldn't be better (sarcastically said).
I just can't believe it!!!!!!!!
I can actually understand who could have let our big secret out. Two, so called friends of ours came to our house to say goodbye as they were going back home after they're holidays. I wasn't expecting them. Anyway.... one of them pointed to my bump and said.... "I'm not that good at observing". I answered if they could please ignore it..... I don't want to talk about it. If someone would have said that to me I would have understood.
What do they do?
They walk out of my house and tell everyone in the bloody village!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok..... I understand.... they are probably happy for us and wanted to tell everyone. I want to scream it out to the whole world but don't!!!!!!!!!! Their Happiness doesn't make mine!
anyway...... I'm sure I'm going to have many other phone calls during this week. News goes round VERY quickly in this village.
Even the phone call is just beyond me. Would you really phone someone to ask if what they heard is true? You know my past story. You know how much I was hurting. If it's true.... then be happy for me without being nosey. If it's not true.... well only time will tell.
Curiosity Killed the Cat!
Sunday, 24 August 2014
21 weeks....
.... well just over 21 weeks. I'm a little late with the update.
Well not much has happened this week.
I eventually did tell my neighbours. I sent them a text message. Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant. I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.
They actually understood. They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.
Thank God!!!!
A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary. She didn't say anything to me. She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant. They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies. Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately. But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her? I mean what's the big deal if I am? She isn't going to have to spend money on it. She isn't the one giving birth to it. If people know what difference does it make anyway???
Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday. Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me. She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump! I was furious!!!!!!! I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly. How dare she!
That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions. It was actually wind and an upset stomach. But I think she did contribute it all.
Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook. I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome. Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows. I lost my baby at 36 weeks. My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man. The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.
I don't know if I can explain. If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?
What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They're still here! They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.
Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! Come soon I want to see my alive baby!
Well not much has happened this week.
I eventually did tell my neighbours. I sent them a text message. Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant. I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.
They actually understood. They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.
Thank God!!!!
A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary. She didn't say anything to me. She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant. They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies. Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately. But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her? I mean what's the big deal if I am? She isn't going to have to spend money on it. She isn't the one giving birth to it. If people know what difference does it make anyway???
Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday. Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me. She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump! I was furious!!!!!!! I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly. How dare she!
That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions. It was actually wind and an upset stomach. But I think she did contribute it all.
Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook. I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome. Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows. I lost my baby at 36 weeks. My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man. The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.
I don't know if I can explain. If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?
What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
They're still here! They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.
Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! Come soon I want to see my alive baby!
Friday, 15 August 2014
20 weeks.....
Half way!
Another 20 weeks (God willing) and it will be over!
I went for my fetal ecocardio scan. It all went well. We were in the hospital where I think I will be giving birth. When we waked in there were a load of bumps waiting to do the same scan. We were near the neonatal unit.
Seeing the tiniest of twins go passed us in an incubator was quite scary.
Seeing parents going into the neonatal unit with sad faces was heartbreaking.
Seeing two mothers coming out on the neonatal unit with their babies with a great big smile that went from ear to ear was comforting.
Seeing parents coming in for their weekly check up with their tiny little sleepy bundles was hopeful. I found myself thinking..... will I be one of these mothers? Will I at least have the tiniest bit of hope that this little baby boy that is kicking around inside will actually come home with me. Or will I be going out of that hospital with empty arms..... yet again?
It was then my turn.
There he was. His tiny heart was beating away. He kept wriggling away from the sonogram and the doc. said he was a crafty little chappie!
I have started crocheting a blanket. A rainbow coloured one. Maybe I shouldn't. But then I thought.... "oh well..... if he doesn't get wrapped up in his blanket I can always put it in his memory box!". Morbid? Well yeah maybe..... but that's how it is when you're PAL (Pregnant After Loss).
People seem to be noticing my bump more...... and I have sort of exploded! My bump is definately not hideable anymore.
My friends.... who are also my neighbours keep asking hubby where I am and why don't I go round to see them anymore. I really don't know what to do. Do I come out into the open and be bombarded with all the STUPID questions and IGNORANT comments? do I carry on hiding in my house? It's not easy living in such a close net comunity where everyone knows everyone.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another 20 weeks (God willing) and it will be over!
I went for my fetal ecocardio scan. It all went well. We were in the hospital where I think I will be giving birth. When we waked in there were a load of bumps waiting to do the same scan. We were near the neonatal unit.
Seeing the tiniest of twins go passed us in an incubator was quite scary.
Seeing parents going into the neonatal unit with sad faces was heartbreaking.
Seeing two mothers coming out on the neonatal unit with their babies with a great big smile that went from ear to ear was comforting.
Seeing parents coming in for their weekly check up with their tiny little sleepy bundles was hopeful. I found myself thinking..... will I be one of these mothers? Will I at least have the tiniest bit of hope that this little baby boy that is kicking around inside will actually come home with me. Or will I be going out of that hospital with empty arms..... yet again?
It was then my turn.
There he was. His tiny heart was beating away. He kept wriggling away from the sonogram and the doc. said he was a crafty little chappie!
I have started crocheting a blanket. A rainbow coloured one. Maybe I shouldn't. But then I thought.... "oh well..... if he doesn't get wrapped up in his blanket I can always put it in his memory box!". Morbid? Well yeah maybe..... but that's how it is when you're PAL (Pregnant After Loss).
People seem to be noticing my bump more...... and I have sort of exploded! My bump is definately not hideable anymore.
My friends.... who are also my neighbours keep asking hubby where I am and why don't I go round to see them anymore. I really don't know what to do. Do I come out into the open and be bombarded with all the STUPID questions and IGNORANT comments? do I carry on hiding in my house? It's not easy living in such a close net comunity where everyone knows everyone.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 8 August 2014
19 weeks...
Here I am for my 19 week update!
We went to our doc appointment on Wednesday. We had our anatomy scan. Everything is in the right place. Things seem to be looking good.
Just one thing wasn't right and upset me quite a bit. I have a fribroid just underneath my placenta causing it to lift in the middle. Doc said to not do any heavy lifting. He said he wasn't that worried about it because it is quite small. 3 cm. There could be a risk that it might get bigger as the pregnancy hormone could cause it to get bigger.... at the moment he wants to keep it under control and check babies growth because he doesn't want this fibroid obstracting the nutrients going to the baby.
The baby is 150% a boy!
I can feel him move now. :D I love feeling him move around. If I get scared.... I get my doppler out and then calm down when I hear the heart beat.
We told our boys that they are going to have a little brother or sister. I don't want to tell them the gender. I want it to be a surpise for them. They seemed to be very happy about it. They understand us not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time. My eldest actually said "when it's born I'll help buy clothes and things it needs"!.
We have a fetal cardio scan in a few days. Fingers crossed things are going to go well with that too.
We went to our doc appointment on Wednesday. We had our anatomy scan. Everything is in the right place. Things seem to be looking good.
Just one thing wasn't right and upset me quite a bit. I have a fribroid just underneath my placenta causing it to lift in the middle. Doc said to not do any heavy lifting. He said he wasn't that worried about it because it is quite small. 3 cm. There could be a risk that it might get bigger as the pregnancy hormone could cause it to get bigger.... at the moment he wants to keep it under control and check babies growth because he doesn't want this fibroid obstracting the nutrients going to the baby.
The baby is 150% a boy!
I can feel him move now. :D I love feeling him move around. If I get scared.... I get my doppler out and then calm down when I hear the heart beat.
We told our boys that they are going to have a little brother or sister. I don't want to tell them the gender. I want it to be a surpise for them. They seemed to be very happy about it. They understand us not wanting to talk about the pregnancy all the time. My eldest actually said "when it's born I'll help buy clothes and things it needs"!.
We have a fetal cardio scan in a few days. Fingers crossed things are going to go well with that too.
Saturday, 2 August 2014
I may just be going mad!
I asked hubby if he would let me use the doppler on him. He was VERY reluctant at first ..... when I explained that I wanted to hear the difference between an unpregnant person and someone that's pregnant. There was a big difference. :D I didn't think it would be that different. :D
Funny that only after trying it on my hubby I was convinced that the doppler actually works!
Funny that only after trying it on my hubby I was convinced that the doppler actually works!
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