21 weeks....

.... well just over 21 weeks.  I'm a little late with the update.

Well not much has happened this week.

I eventually did tell my neighbours.  I sent them a text message.  Told them that I didn't want their congratulations, that I didn't want to speak about it..... I'd rather they ignored the fact I was pregnant.  I said I didn't want them to be offended by this ..... it's just that I want to do it my way this time.

They actually understood.  They are fine about the whole thing and are very discreet.

Thank God!!!!

A person who was not so discreet was a person I know and who I bumbped into a few days ago when I went out with hubby for our anniversary.  She didn't say anything to me.  She actually asked my neighbours if I was pregnant.  They said that I've always had a bit of a belly after my pregnancies.  Maybe I was slightly fatter because I had relatives over and went out for dinner a lot lately.  But the thing is.... what I really would love to know..... is that even if she got a positive answer what would come out of it for her?  I mean what's the big deal if I am?  She isn't going to have to spend money on it.  She isn't the one giving birth to it.  If people know what difference does it make anyway???

Another relative, who I haven't said anything to, went back home Thursday.  Before she did she came round to say goodbye to me.  She said.... "well let us know"..... and she touched my bump!  I was furious!!!!!!!  I said "The arguement is a tabu' in this house" and then I grabbed her hand and took it straight off my belly.  How dare she!

That evening I had what I thought were mild contractions.  It was actually wind and an upset stomach.  But I think she did contribute it all.

Lately I've being following this website http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/ and this group on facebook.  I read on them that some babyloss mothers who are pregnant with their baby rainbows nearly all have a week mark to overcome.  Like losing their baby at 20 weeks and they wait till that week is over to start to relax and maybe even start buying things for their rainbows.  I lost my baby at 36 weeks.  My goal will definately be waiting for that week to pass.... to relax and maybe be able to do something for this little man.   The only thing is I am sort of making other people's stories and losses my own.

I don't know if I can explain.  If I know a babyloss mother that has lost their baby at 38 weeks .... I'm thinking.... I can't wait till I get passed 36 weeks..... but..... what if it happens again at 38 like it did to that other babyloss mother?

What if's arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

They're still here!  They're playing wih my mind and my feelings.

Hurry up Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!   Come soon I want to see my alive baby!