35 weeks and 5 days.....

Same weeks and days my Baby Angel was born and yesterday I was actually the same weeks and days we found out my Baby Angels heart wasn't beating anymore :(

It's difficult .....

I keep thinking.... ok "is he moving?"  "I've got to be careful because I don't want to not understand if he's moving less and then it's too late".

I'm quite worried about tomorrow.  I pick up my glucose blood tests  Hopefully they wont be as high as last time or the doc will referr me to another doc for diet and insulin shots.  I've tryed extra hard to eat healthily and keep away from sweets and chocolate.  I'm cravying chocolate but determined not to givin!

I'l be having my next check up this week.  My strep swab too.  Hopefully those will go well.  My boys want to come to the docs check up.  We will probably let the doc start the scan and when he hopefully says everything is ok then we'll let the boys in.  We'll have to tell him not to mention that they're going to have a little brother :D

Then ..... IF everything goes well..... I think the time has come to shop for stuff for my hospital bag and something for baby.

My sister in law rang yesterday saying she was off to buy baby's first outfit.  SO I'll have to at least buy another outfit for the second day in hospital.  I don't want to worry hubby and everyone to go and buy things for the baby the day after he's born.

I was thinking about all of this today and saying to myself.  Ok.. it's something I've got to do.  It's something I would normally do in a pregnancy......so why do I feel like I'm running ahead?  I then concluded thinking.... I have to buy stuff for me one way or the other because.... wether he have his eyes open or wether he be sleeping he's still got to come out of there so I'll need a hospital bag.  If I don't use his things I buy then I can always put them in a memory box.

I know.... it's morbid... it's wierd ..... and it's not what an expectant mum would think but it's what I do think and I can't wait to know what the outcome will be.  Will he be in my arms alive? or will he be in my arms just so I can say goodbye?