32 + 33 weeks......

I must confess that I was quite sure that I was still 32 weeks when I was actually 33.  I lost count.  I don't know if that was maybe my subconsious WANTING to delay everything.... When I did eventually understand I was 33 weeks I started to get into panic mode.

I'm near my 35+5 mark.  The week and days I lost my baby and I am terrified of losing this little one too.

I've always had this sort of gut feeling that when everything seems to go really well.....then there it is round the corner..... that giant slap in the face that says "That will teach you for being happy!"

It really worries me that something is going to go terribly wrong and we'll all end up in tears.

My docs visit is this week.  I'm scared about that too.... about him saying that my little man hasn't grown from last time.

Without deliberatley doing so I have read a few loss stories on the internet.... everytime I do I start to imagine myself in their shoes and in those situations with risks and illnesses that it frightens me.

On a positive note a friend came round.  She kissed my baby bump and I surprisingly didnt feel fustrated by it.  It was a loving kiss... and she had the most caring smile. It made me happy to share my bump with her and talk a while.

I'm still not going out and making myself be seen.  I get phone calls. asking me about birthday parties and kids activities.  I suppose that's just normal with two children that go to school.  I feel really bad having to make excuses and telling lies as to why I can't go and buy the birthday present this time round..... because "I'm working".  Hopefully everyone will forgive me when they actually find out the reason for my not being around and not partecipating in my boy's activities.

I still haven't sorted out my accomodation near the hospital.  Hope to do that when I got to docs appointment this week.

My little man is still moving THANK GOD!  He makes me smile.  I'm still counting the kicks but in a rather less anxious way.  I read a blog post on the PAL website and coundn't agree more with this PAL mum.   I'll link the article here.  I had read sevral artiles on counting the kicks,  Too little ,,,, then too many,  I was getting quite confused.  I'm glad this PAL mum wrote this vìblog post and calmed my nerves.


Next update after docs appointment.  All fingers crossed...... and if anyone still prays......they will come in handy too.