I don't know if I'm the one who does this.... but I often lay in my bed.... just before going to sleep.... or just after I wake up and start day dreaming about things. Anything. Like a little film going on in my head and I'm the managing director who immagines the scenes and the words.
I've always day dreamed and immagined how the birth of my children would be. The running to the hospital.... the pain.... pushing....meeting them for the first time.... seeing them all clean and dressed, introducing them to the rest of the family and going home and seeing friends.
I've had the same day dream for all three of my children. The most important part is pretending to keep them tight in your arms straight after birth. Kissing them and loving them.
Thing is...... I now know of a different reality. It's not all smiles and happiness. All of you babyloss mums know what I'm talking about.
This time I've not day dreamed.... because I guess you do that when it's something nice. I've.... daymered. I actually went through what could happen if it were to happen again. The pain. Things I didn't do the first time round and will hopefully think about doing this time. Take the picture I never took the first time, do foot prints and handprints that I didn't to the first time and stay with the baby as long as I possibily can without leaving it's side till it's time to close tight that little white coffin's lid.
I cried so much.... just as though it was really happening again.
Today has been a very negative day. But maybe it's not me being morbid.... maybe it's me just being realistic.
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