Ok I've phoned for an appointment

Next Wednesday I'll be in the docs office.

I am really dreading it.  What if he says Minu's heart has stopped beating?

Well yeah I know what's actually going to happen if that does happen.... I'm just dreading the thought.

I've been reading some comments on Pregnancy After Loss Support on facebook.  It's helpful and interesting.

I was reading today the answers to the question: when did you tell others about the baby rainbow?  There isn't a right answer as you know.  I was glad to read that some had actually told everyone after the birth.  That's what I'ld like to do.  I don't know if it's possibile because I live in a very small town and it's quite a "nosy" comunity...... I don't know.  I hope mainly to avoid the congratulations and the silly baby questions from people that have no idea what to say when your reply to every question would be.... I just hope it's alive and screaming.

It's not that I don't want to celebrate the baby's life.  I will.... am (in a strange way)..... but I just want to protect this little life and celebrate THE life.  Not all the stupid stuff that goes with having babies.

Preparing billions of baby clothes it will grow out of in the first few weeks.  Getting everything ready for it's arrival.  I mean.... material things.  I was 100% organized for all three of my babies arrival.  Maybe too much.  Leaving DH loads of lists of the things he had to do after the birth.... and coming home day.  To be honest this time round I couldn't careless if this baby doesn't have anything to go home in.... I'll carry it in my arms.  Tightly.  Maybe even close my eyes and immagine it's my baby girl I should have been carrying home three years before.

I don't care if I have to wash the same three or four outfits I'll buy Minu.  It's not about the money..... it's about wanting to celebrate Minu's life.  The arrival.  The real meaning of holding a miracle in your arms and carrying it in you for 9 months.  That's what I want.  I don't want pink or blue invading my wardrobes.  I want natural rainbow colours beaming from my baby's OPEN eyes, it's BEATING heart and it's CRY.