Paranoia!

I feel sick sick sick! I know it's a good sign.... but I'd rather do without feeling the need to throw up and never actually be able to do so!

After my docs. Appointment I have had time to think. I'm still confused.... but determined.

My Heperin Treatment is a disaster. My belly is bruised pokadot. I don't seem to be doing something right. I've tried all different methods. Lying down, sitting, doing it fast, slow.... it stings like hell and bruises like a bugger! Anyway. As long as the stuff is getting into my system and doing what it should be I suppose I'm getting there.

I should be 8 weeks today. That's 2 months gone and 7 to go.

Want a list of all the stinking thinking I've been doing in these few weeks?

• Ok.... the inevitable.... the baby has stopped growing and next docs. appointment he'll be telling me that it's all finished.
• That the heparin is making my blood so liquid that I'll probably hemorrage and die.
• That the date of my menstrual cycle is coming up and I'll probably start to bleed and everything will have stopped.
• That one day doing these heparin shots I'll probably get the baby and then it'll die.

Can't remember other's right now but I think these are definately enough for now.

I told my mum the other week. She was quite surprised. She said she thought I wouldn't have anymore after the loss. She then told me to be carefull. I told her not to tell anyone and keep it a big secret.

Today I was feeling like throwing up so hubby called her to come over and maybe help with the boys. She wanted to know how I was feeling and what they had said at the docs. I said I was fine and didn't want to talk about it. I feel as though if I forget it's there it will get me through it.

I don't want anyone I know knowing. I want to protect my little baby from anyone thinking bad things about it or about me. I want to live this pregnancy without anyone knowing about it.

I will eventually start to show and I'm quite happy to stay at home and not see anyone but my family until baby is born. I know... I can't!